'Conservatism' Has Lost Its Goddamned Mind

Today’s announcement that the President of the United States has been awarded the Nobel Peace Prize and his recent failed bid to secure the Olympics has laid out for all to see the wanton, crazed perversion of the “conservative” movement and of the Republigoat Party.

Before explicating this political rabies, one should note that, at the very least, twice-failed presidential candidate John McWeirdsmile miraculously kept his partisan fangs retracted. He simply said:

I think Americans are always pleased when their president is recognized by something on this order.

This is a stunningly reasonable position. Then again, McWeirdsmile isn’t the Party Chairman. Head GOOPer Michael Steele wears his hat like this:

The real question Americans are asking is, ‘What has President Obama actually accomplished?’ It is unfortunate that the president’s star power has outshined tireless advocates who have made real achievements working towards peace and human rights. One thing is certain—President Obama won’t be receiving any awards from Americans for job creation, fiscal responsibility, or backing up rhetoric with concrete action.”

Mr. Steele, you are a shit-head. The jobs will come. Nobody hires in the fourth quarter, shit-head. And I say that actually making Congress put war spending on the books indicates fiscal responsibility, shit-head. However, Mr. Steele, it is nice to know that you haven’t stopped using your suppositories. Shit-head.

Over on the Morning Joe, they were very excited by the announcement.

“The upside is the Nobel Prize committee that has had suspect selections in the past has just befuddled a lot of people across the world,” said host Joe Scarborough.

“I predict right now that he will find a way to basically turn it down,” Time’s Mark Halperin added. “I think he is going to say, I share this with the world or whatever. I don’t think he’ll embrace this. Because there is no upside.”

“The damage is done,” Brzezinski responded.

Now that shit is pretty crazy. But nobody, and I mean nobody ratchets up the crazy like former Recess Appointment JOHN BOLTON!, who says that Obama should…heh-heh…DECLINE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE.

The Nobel committee is preaching at Americans, but they won’t be deceived. He should decline it and then ask to be considered again in three or four years when he has a record.

When you look up the word “asshole” in the dictionary, there is a picture of JOHN BOLTON! I swear to gods.

Now let me take a moment to respond to people saying that Obama has not accomplished anything to deserve this honor. Nonsense. His June speech in Cairo alone merits him the honor, not to mention his work as senator against loose nukes, his renewed effort on Israel, and his recent declaration to the United Nations.

Despite that, understand that these are people who do not actually understand the Nobel Peace Prize. Al Nobel’s will said the Prize goes “to the person who shall have done the most or the best work for fraternity between nations, for the abolition or reduction of standing armies and for the holding and promotion of peace congresses.” Do you suppose that Nobel used the future perfect progressive tense by accident?

President Obama is well-poised to create peace in the world. From his Inaugural Address forward, he has struck a tone far-removed from the swaggering shit-kicker diplomacy of his idiot predecessor. He has extended an ambitious agenda that strives for peace. The Nobel
Committee made a wise choice.

But, as we’ve seen, it has left conservatives frothing at the mouth. Which is, in my opinion, crazy. You think it’s BAD that the President of the United States won the Nobel Peace Prize? You’re against it? You’re happy that the United States won’t be hosting the Olympic Games in 2016? You’re applauding that? Even though the previous President also lobbied to have the Games in Chicago? Are you fucking crazy? Have you lost your god-damned minds?

I think you have. And I think I know why.

To be a “conservative” in the United States today, you have to live with the following statement of fact:

The President of the United States on September 11, 2001 was George W. Bush.

Now you can dance around that statement of fact, and you do if you’re a conservative. You give the guy a pass. You say they couldn’t have connected the dots. You blame President Clinton. You say that Bush “kept us safe” for the rest of his administration. You point to the 9/11 Commission Report. But if you’re a “conservative,” you ultimately have to live with this simple statement of fact.

I think that every decision made by the Bush Administration after the attacks were made to wildly overcompensate and to cover their asses because it is crystal clear that the Bush Administration was caught with its waistband around his ankles (okay, figuratively and not literally like the previous guy). So we might see things differently regarding that. But there is one simple fact that nobody can dispute.

The President of the United States on September 11, 2001 was George W. Bush.

I think that “conservatives” in this country also have to act with this drive to overcompensate for the loser they voted for and to cover their own asses. And that, my friends, leads them to do some crazy, crazy shit—not excluding rooting for American failure and panning its successes.

Now it’s just a theory. Like evolution. But there it is.

Reclaiming the Bully Pulpit

I have met J. Danforth Quayle twice. Both times, my fellow liberals acted in a way toward him that made me feel digusted.

This is not to say that I have a towering modicum of respect for Quayle himself. I do not—in fact, I find Quayle to have been one of the more repulsive American political actors in recent memory. However, I did not think that county Democrats should have attempted to shout the man down as he tried to speak, and I did not think that reporter in our little press pool should have asked him to spell “potato.” It’s called “respect for the office.” And most presidents—except, perhaps, the one who did not actually acquire the office via voting—deserve a bit of it.

People seem to have forgotten that the President of the United States is actually several jobs in one. It is true that he or she is the primary leader on public policy for his or her party. However, he or she is the country’s ceremonial leader as well. He or she is prime minister and queen all rolled up into one. This aspect of the job affords the luxury of the “bully pulpit,” named such by President Theodoore Roosevelt—back when the word “bully” was not archaic as an adjective meaning “sublime.” The President is supposed to lead not only on politics and policy, but to provide leadership on social and cultural mores as well. A good President will not only produce results, but he or she will inspire as well.

I say that people seem to have forgotten about this role because many “conservatives” made a lot of hay regarding President Barack Hussein Obama’s speech today to America’s school children. It is disgusting that this non-issue issue reared its ugly head. But it is not surprising. It is the continued perpetuation of the meme of Obama as “the other,” the meme of the “terrorist fist bump,” of the dashiki-donning Obama, of the “birthers.” What it is, specifically, whether conciously or unconciously, is, “You’re going to allow that Negro to speak directly to your kids? Really?”

It is pathetic, because part of what Obama’s presidency is about is the reclamation of the bully pulpit following its sheer neglect during the years of the office’s previous occupant. Go out and shop, W. Boosh told us after September Eleventh. That, friends, should have been the BP’s finest hour, but it was squandered on an idiot. And now, we’ve at last got a President who might be the most effecitive bully-pulpitter evar, and all’s you morons can do is whisper and buzz that he’s trying to turn your kids into some kind of weird socialist-fascist hybrid that doesn’t exist?

The discussion that’s taken place over the last week regarding this issue may be—no, IS—is the most stupid, most vapid, most disrespectful, and most vile thing I’ve seen Americans do since the macarena. The President of the United States, who won in November with the most electoral votes since 1996, wants to tell America’s kids to do their friggin’ homework, and people fuss and fret about it like he’s Genghis Khan?

Stay classy, America!


It was weird. One moment, I’m listening to Thom Hartmann debate a backwater preacher fellow of some sort about hate crimes legislation. The next, I’m hearing Air America’s Nicole Whatshername. She’s pleasant enough, so I keep listening; what the hey.

Then she walks into one of my favorite rakes.

The caller was saying that the reason we’ll not get single-payer health care is because of all of the munny that goes from the insurance industry to legislators. Whatshername says yes, that’s right, and we’ll not get substantial health care reform until munny is extracted from politics. So far, so good.

Then she says maybe we need term limits.

Thank you for playing.

That’s a terrible idea. Horrible. Awful. Hideous. It is, absolutely, the wrong solution, one that does far more harm than good. All it achieves is to further dilute the power of the vote.

Why on Earth would anyone advocate for something that takes power out of their own hands and makes elected officials even less accountable to the people than they are now? Why in the wide wide world of sports would someone support something that shifts power from elected representatives to paid professional staffers, lobbyists, and other non-elected brokers in Washington? Why why why?

There are other, more reasoned solutions to the problem of munny in our national politics than that of term limits. There is, for instance, the reform of “clean elections.” Here’s the Wiki. Enjoy.

There is, also, the notion of “instant runoff voting,” a reform that wouldn’t just address the issue of corporate and other interests shoving munny into the pockets of our legislators, but would also give genuine momentum to third-party political movements in these Untied States of America. Here’s the Wiki. Enjoy.

Why in blazes do people instantly reach for the absolute worst answer to this question? ARGH.

Michele Bachmann Is A Crazy Person

The fourth paragraph of the United States Constitution says we ought to have a census.

That’s how vital a function the founders thought it to be. It is near the very tippy-top of their list. It is, after all, how we are supposed to decide where legislators in the House of Representatives come from. It is also supposed to direct the allocation of taxes. It’s right in there, look:

Representatives and direct taxes shall be apportioned among the several states which may be included within this union, according to their respective numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole number of free persons, including those bound to service for a term of years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons. The actual Enumeration shall be made within three years after the first meeting of the Congress of the United States, and within every subsequent term of ten years, in such manner as they shall by law direct. The number of Representatives shall not exceed one for every thirty thousand, but each state shall have at least one Representative; and until such enumeration shall be made, the state of New Hampshire shall be entitled to chuse three, Massachusetts eight, Rhode Island and Providence Plantations one, Connecticut five, New York six, New Jersey four, Pennsylvania eight, Delaware one, Maryland six, Virginia ten, North Carolina five, South Carolina five, and Georgia three.

Now. Here’s the United State Congress’ very own crazy person with the media’s very own crazy person. It is quite clear, though, that even Bachmann is too batshit loony for even the likes of the Glennster.

First, let’s talk ACORN. We know that ACORN took quite a beating during the 2008 election from the right-wang “media.” Here’s round two, and it’s the same old strategy: Lie your ass off about the situation and continue to smear this fine organization. No less a news organization than the Moonie rag “Washington Times” has written an editorial accusing that ACORN will be counting heads. Sheer idiocy. The Census Bureau’s partners program encourages NGOs like ACORN to help educate its constituency about the census, a big help in hard-to-count populations. The Census Bureau actually HIRES PEOPLE to administrate the census. NOBODY FROM ACORN IS GOING TO COUNT YOU, ASSHAT. Other census partners include: Asian American Justice Center, LULAC, American Arab Anti-Discrimination Committee, Office of Hawaiian Affairs, NAACP, Puerto Rico National State Education Department, and the Congress of American Indians. Why aren’t these morons raising holy heck about these partnerships, too?

And Glenn, way to pull a number out of your ass! Let’s go to the United States Code and see how much that fine really is, shall we?

221. Refusal or neglect to answer questions; false answers

  • (a) Whoever, being over eighteen years of age, refuses or willfully neglects, when requested by the Secretary, or by any other authorized officer or employee of the Department of Commerce or bureau or agency thereof acting under the instructions of the Secretary or authorized officer, to answer, to the best of his knowledge, any of the questions on any schedule submitted to him in connection with any census or survey provided for by subchapters I, II, IV, and V of chapter 5 of this title, applying to himself or to the family to which he belongs or is related, or to the farm or farms of which he or his family is the occupant, shall be fined not more than $100.
  • (b) Whoever, when answering questions described in subsection (a) of this section, and under the conditions or circumstances described in such subsection, willfully gives any answer that is false, shall be fined not more than $500.
  • (c) Notwithstanding any other provision of this title, no person shall be compelled to disclose information relative to his religious beliefs or to membership in a religious body.

Sec. 222. Giving suggestions or information with intent to cause inaccurate enumeration of population

Whoever, either directly or indirectly, offers or renders to any officer or employee of the Department of Commerce or bureau or agency thereof engaged in making an enumeration of population under subchapter II, IV, or V of chapter 5 of this title, any suggestion, advice, information or assistance of any kind, with the intent or purpose of causing an inaccurate enumeration of population to be made, shall be fined not more than $1,000 or imprisoned not more than one year, or both.

Even if you out-and-out lie, the most your fine can be is one thousand dollars. But that’s okay, Glenn. Just eyeball it. You’ll get close enough. Facts, schmacts.

Now, on to Lulu: “I think there is a point when you say enough is enough to government intrusion.” Hey. Nutty. “Enough is enough?” To the Constitution? Article I, fourth paragraph? How do you not fall down more?

Now. Something to understand about the 2010 Census: In previous counts, there was a long form and a short form. Most households are asked to complete the short form, but some received the long form to give more detailed data. In 2010, the Census Bureau is throwing out the long form with the bath water. Instead of the long form, the Bureau conducts the American Community Survey (ACS), conducted throughout every year. The short form does not ask, for example, if the person is a citizen. But the ACS does. So, right off the bat you see that Bachmann has no idea what she is talking about.

Why does the federal government need your phone number? I don’t know, nutty. Let’s see if it says why on the form. “What is this person’s telephone number? We may contact this person if we don’t understand an answer.” And, for the record, nutty, your 1040 tax form also asks for your telephone number. So, you see, the federal government already has you phone number, unless, of course, you’re refusing to file your taxes, too. Also, there’s that whole warrantless wiretapping episode…not to mention that there’s this thing called a “telephone directory”…yeah, I’m pretty sure the federal government already has your telephone number or can get it if it needs it. Loon.

This may be the most weird comment in this whole exchange, from Beck:

Can they um…because I’ve considered not filling it out when I get it, but I want to make sure that they don’t use this as a loophole to, you know, say that I can’t have a permit for my gun, etcetera etcetera…

Glenn. Are you okay? Did you have a little stroke? Should we begin the compressions? Glenn?

And, Lulu, for the record, it was not “the United States government” that abused census information in the 1940s. It was the FBI. And they tried to do it again in 1980, and the courts said that NO FEDERAL AGENCY, not even the FBI, should have access to census data.

This exchange is worth watching. You’ll swear that both of these mouth-breathers have been dipping into MJ’s Diprivan stash. Good-NESS.

You Can't Fix Stupid

One focus of the aftermath of the murder of Dr. Tiller is, guess who, Fox’s own Ted Baxter, who apparently conducted a fairly incendiary campaign regarding Tiller. In reading up on this, I have come across this, a ridiculous interview that The Big Head conducts with Kelly, a young Marylander who had an abortion at 20 weeks in Wichita when she was 14. This is truly amazing.

She actually says this during the course of the interview with The Big Head:

No one ever said anything to me about what was going to happen during that five-day process, or what was going to happen when I left that clinic or ten years down the road…I’m disgusted that women are told that that they have a choice, yet no one tells us what that choice is or what that choice is going to do to us or to the baby for that matter. Very few people know I think know that this is what happens; it’s not just an easy solution; it’s not an answer to any problem. It just creates other problems.

I generally abhor blame-the-victim arguments, but come on, princess! What’d you think, the good doctor would wave a magic wand over your belly and your baby would just float on up to heaven in a river of pixie dust? You haven’t been reading your Operation Rescue propaganda very closely, have you?

In this day and age, when we have something called The Google, ignorance is no excuse, I’m sorry. Here, Kelly. Let me Google that for you. A pregnancy at 20 weeks is halfway there. The average fetus at that point is 10.5 ounces and 6.5 inches long. At 20 weeks, you can see its junk in the ultrasound. Did you think that any process meant to get rid of such a thing would be pretty?

I don’t know this Kelly. I don’t know if she’s a product of home-schooled abstinence-only bullshit. But I certainly wouldn’t feel uncomfortable betting that she is. And to conclude that choice is bad all over just because she ended up unhappy with hers, well, that’s just downright unreasonable.

More on this later as I continue to peruse and steal from the perhaps best blog source regarding the Tiller case, Andrew Sullivan.

(I also owe a plug to comedian Ron White.)

Ms. Crowley: What Went Down in Your Head?

Monica Crowley and I are very different people.

On the most recent McLaughlin, the post-resignation Nixon aide (::headscratch::) said that President Obama’s determination to close the detainee camps at Guantánamo Bay “…will prove to be one of the most irresponsible things ever done by a Commander-In-Chief.”

You see, I was thinking the exact opposite, that closing that facility is remarkably responsible, and that opening it in the first place and subverting the law to detain these people in this manner was actually the irresponsible thing.

And it gets worse with every tale you hear about it.

They reported last night that many of the 245 or so detainees left there don’t even have a complete case record filed. So, for many of them, there’s not even a printed sheet of paper that spells out why they’re there, not even on the grounds. And yet, as Dr. Maddow wondered last evening, the Pentagon seems to know exactly what happened to 61 of them (a number that is shaky at best) once they left the facility. What, did we tag their ears?

This is where conservagoats work the hardest at driving a guy like me crazy. They’re all over the TV now, positing about what might happen if one of these guys shows up in your hometown. Witness the best of these concerns, voiced by Rep. Steve King of Iowa:

Let’s just say that, that, Khalid Sheikh Mohammed, the mastermind of 9/11, is brought to the United States to be tried in a federal court in the United States, under a federal judge, and we know what some of those judges do, and on a technicality, such as, let’s just say he wasn’t read his Miranda rights. … He is released into the streets of America. Walks over and steps up into a US embassy and applies for asylum for fear that he can’t go back home cause he spilled the beans on al Qaeda. What happens then if another judge grants him asylum in the United States and Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is on a path to citizenship. I mean, I give you the extreme example of this.

I’ll say.

Let me tell ya something, Steve King. If a guy like Mohammed were able to secure asylum and citizenship, that’s not President Obama’s fault. It’s the fault of whatever mofo ordered to have him waterboarded.

No, no. What we’re seeing here is a return to reason and responsibility, not a flouting of it. President Obama has made closing it a top priority, as he absolutely should.


There is little to say that won’t be said on other blogs regarding The Current President’s last press conference yesterday. This passage, though, bears considerable noting.

This is what the President of the United States said in a press conference yesterday, according directly to the White House’s own Web site:

I’ve thought long and hard about Katrina—you know, could I have done something differently, like land Air Force One either in New Orleans or Baton Rouge. The problem with that and—is that law enforcement would have been pulled away from the mission. And then your questions, I suspect, would have been, how could you possibly have flown Air Force One into Baton Rouge, and police officers that were needed to expedite traffic out of New Orleans were taken off the task to look after you?

Bush cannot stop confirming for us, can he, that he has the sophistication of a nose hair?

George, there’s not an American alive who would have expected you to single-handedly rescue anybody with your own hands or your own hardware. What you should have done is, you should have cancelled your tarmac birthday greeting with Failed Presidential Candidate John McWeirdsmile and your country western adventure with Billy Ray Hiccup, and your first response to the disaster shouldn’t have been a photo opportunity of you surveying the damage from your comfy little aeroplane. Your first response should have been to make a beeline to The White House, to hunker down and ask how bad is it and what needs done, and to expose yourself to the news coverage instead of your staff having to force feed it to you. Instead, you sent a complete incompetent into the field, you scattered ice trucks to every corner of the nation but, um, Louisiana, and you began talking about rebuilding much sooner than most people could even fathom recovery. Hurricane Katrina was a dismal failure for you, for your administration, and for America, and it was certainly the start of the unraveling for you, buddy. You showed yesterday that you don’t own it yet and you didn’t learn a god-damned thing.

Longest. Seven days. Evar.

My Own Bias Is That Prudence Palin Is A Moron

I adore this story that’s goin’ around that Failed Vice-Presidential Candidate Prudence Palin is whining about “media bias.” In fact, I pretty much adore it when any conservagoat whines about “media bias” because they have no fucking clue what that even is. It appeals strongly to the dildo-heads, but, to the rest of us Amurkans, they’d make more sense if they were tilting back their heads and clucking.

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is questioning whether Caroline Kennedy is getting better treatment from the press in her bid for a Senate seat from New York than the battering she says she received as John McCain’s running mate on the Republican presidential ticket.

“I’ve been interested to see how Caroline Kennedy will be handled and if she will be handled with kid gloves or if she will be under such a microscope,” Palin told conservative radio talk-show host and filmmaker John Ziegler. Clips from Ziegler’s interview were posted on YouTube this week.

“It’s going to be interesting to see how that plays out and I think that as we watch that we will perhaps be able to prove that there is a class issue here also that was such a factor in the scrutiny of my candidacy versus, say, the scrutiny of what her candidacy may be,” Palin said.

Palin is either being disingenuous or wholly stupid. There are some severe differences between Palin and Kennedy. For starters, Caroline Kennedy ISN’T RUNNING FOR VICE-PRESIDENT, YOU DOLT! That’s not to say that the job she’s under consideration for is chopped liver. But to compare the Presidential Race To Replace Chimpy McCokespoon to an appointment to finish a Senate term, and to discount the gravity of the presidential race versus that of such an appointment, well, that’s just plain bizarre.

And, hey, Prudence! Believe me, nobody had to scrutinize you, sweetheart. It’s not scrutiny when you apparently can’t name a single news periocial, when you can’t name a single Supreme Court decision, when you claim foreign policy experience based on your home town’s proximity to Siberia, when you vacantly stand in front of a camera answering a reporter’s vapid question while a turkey slaughter is taking place right behind you. No, Prudence, that ain’t scrutiny. That’s you. Nobody had to dig for that shit. You gave it willingly.

And, thanks for that, by the way.

But my gods, you mouth-breathing troglodyte: Do You Even Know What The Word “Scrutiny” MEANS? Trust me, dum-dum; you were not under it. You didn’t need to be. You did that all by yourself. Moron.

Seat Roland Burris

Update, 1-6-2008: So the Seargent at Arms can turn Burris away, but he can’t arrest Rove and Miers? Again: Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

At present, I am watching Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid do a “but I have black friends” to (likely unfounded) accusations that his opposition to seating is racial on Meat the Press. Still. One would think that Reid would know better, would know that, as the sage squirrel Rocky used to say, “That trick never works.”

I think Reid and the Senate Democrats have taken an unrealistic tack on the issue of Burris and Rod Blagooeybitch. I don’t think they are legally empowered to keep Mr. Burris from his seat, and indicating on the TV that they are is just setting Democrats up for a fall for no reason. Blagooeybitch hasn’t even been indicted yet. Nor has he been impeached or recalled. He was strapped into handcuffs and thrown in to a paddy wagon, and he has heard the charges leveled against him by the U.S. Attorney. Reid argues that there’s a “cloud” over him, but the law doesn’t give a crap about a “cloud.” And, in an age when a sitting Senator with seven convictions still believed himself to be politcally viable, it apparently takes a humongous burden of proof these days.

Besides, the fact remains that the state of Illinois is entitled to representation in the Senate, and that Blagooeybitch has fulfilled that obligation under the extent of the law. Denying Burris a seat denies small-d democracy, and I don’t think the Demo-crats need to be the party that engages in that kind of politics.

Besides, don’t we kind of NEED Democratic votes? If we don’t allow this seat to be filled, there is an unlikely scenario by which, through judicial intervention or by other means, we dismiss Burris only to politically fumble, and a Republigoat takes the seat. I can’t connect A to B in this scenario, but I do fear it’s possible. Seating Burris seals it as a D for four years. Leaving it open leaves open also the possibility, though scant, of a political fumble and one less from 60. Worth the risk?

There are so many more effective things Reid and Senate Democrats can do to make displeasure known with the Blagooeybitch appointment and Burris’ acceptance of it. Don’t give Burris any committee assignments. Don’t invite him to meetings. Give him nothing to do but to show up and vote. Make him the most bored Senator in all of history. Cause him to feel like the pariah he will certainly be on the Hill and see if he thinks it’s worth it to run for this office himself.

My party’s biggest shortcoming is its epic incompetence at picking battles. It passed on the most important battle it could have waged, the legitimate and necessary impeachment of the President and the Vice-President; but it’s willing to wheel out the slingshot for this happy horseshit, to oppose the seating of one of its own to the Senate.

Stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.

You Have To See It To Believe It

Update, Oct. 20: Hat tip to a weblog I’ve just stumbled upon: Dump Michele Bachmann.

This video is worth 15 minutes of anyone’s time for several reasons. You might have heard of Rep. Bachmann’s comments, but it is useful to actually experience them so that you can viscerally feel the shiver go down your own spine. Gaze in awe and wonder at a person who has apparently never heard of Joe McCarthy, see the cheerful stridence with which she suggests that the press should investigate members of Congress for being “anti-American.” Another reason for watching it, it’s nice to see Chris Matthews when he’s taken his vitamins. And the look on the Obama rep’s face when Matthews cues to her—priceless.

FYI: Bachmann represents the sixth district in Minnesota. Her opponent is Elwyn ‘El’ Tinklenberg. Let’s hope that Bachmann just handed him the seat.