Transcribed from Randi from sometime last week:

“All you need to understand about this is that the President of the United States, being the only person who can fire a U.S. Attorney, has decided that he was going to appoint 33-year-old political hacks, loyal to him and to the Republican party over experienced career prosecutors and in the process he was going to smear their reputations by saying it was performance related when he got caught doing exactly that. And that the Attorney General of the United States was dispatched to the Senate to lie under oath to them that this was happening. And that you now have not only a President who lies to the American people, but you finally have a guy who works for the president as our ag of the us taking an oath to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, two times, once in January, and then of course they asked him to come back so that he could correct the record because he did not tell the truth in January. So they had him back today, so he could correct the record so that there would be no misunderstandings, and so he could say I meant to say this and maybe I didn’t say it right, and get him on the record about what he meant to say. It was a courtesy. And he decided to go to the Senate today and lie some more, under oath.”  


Imus in the Mourning

I know. The normally crack staff here at Ketchup Is A Vegetable is sorely belaboring the Imus incident. We can’t help it. We’re a big fat radio nerd.

I do want to clarify the position I took previously upon first absorbing this information. The lede in that opinion piece should be tethered a bit, to say that Don Imus is not ONLY a racist; he’s ALSO a mysoginist. I do not for a moment truly believe that there was no racial element to Imus’, um, how you say, boner? Of course there was. But I don’t think that’s what motivated him to speak. Look at what the subject of his sentence was, then look at its modifier. I think the modifier in this case has got more attention than the subject, and I don’t happen to think that’s as ought.

But I did want to append what I wrote before, though I know I’m often shouting into air in this little space: Don Imus has spent the last decade or so running hard to create himself into a Frankenstein, half Stern, half Rev. Hargis, half Tim Russert. The reason Imus matters is because of the hybrid he’d become. If you’d have gotten upset to have heard Russert say this thing, then you should consider this infraction similarly. Imus regularly spoke to lawmakers and journalists, and from his perch in Secaucus had inexplicably turned himself into somewhat of a shaper of opinion. As such, anyone who says Imus didn’t matter and that this comment was superfluous either just doesn’t care or just remembers Imus as that wacky D.J. who ordered all those hamburgers.

But there is a new message going forth these days, one we heard in Virginia last mid-term, and one ringing from the MSNBC and CBS studios today: You are no longer allowed to hold national power, via media or elected political office, if it becomes clear that you basely despise a group of human beings based upon race or gender. This is a good thing. It is a good idea. It is good in government, and it is good for our country.

Unfortunately, it’s just talk. And talk is nothing while D.C. doesn’t get to vote, and while the prison population in the United States is so hopelessly out-of-wack, and while there’s still a stupid clueless white guy who had a career on the radio for 30 years and still never figured out that “But I have lots of black friends” still doesn’t help and that “you people” just digs you in way deeper.

That shade of crayon is no longer called “flesh,” you lizard-faced moron. And you do not get to call those young women by that name today and then interview John McCain tomorrow. No, no, no, no, no. 

Have a wonderful retirement, Don Imus. 


Seeing Don Imus for the Trees

Don Imus is not a racist. He’s a misogynist.

That’s my take on it, anyway. Mind you, I am not technically qualified to draw a bead on this latest weird white guy flare-up, being both white and a guy myself.

But I am also an amateur observer of politcal and cultural issues who thinks our nation’s still-raw wounds regarding issues of race sometimes makes us myopic.

For instance, on the 60 Minutes this past evening, flailing presidential candidate John McCain was asked about his waffling a few years ago on the issue of South Carolina’s drive to fly the confederate flag above its statehouse. The exchange went like this (paraphrased from the 60 Minutes transcript online):

“‘Let me bring up another issue that surrounded South Carolina in the year 2000. There was a political issue, a local issue about whether the Confederate flag should fly over the Capitol. You waffled on that,’ said correspondent Scott Pelley.

‘Yes. Worse than waffled,’ said McCain. Asked what he meant, McCain said, ‘Well, I said that it was strictly a state issue and clearly knowing that it wasn’t.’

‘That’s not what you believed in your heart?’ Pelley asks.


‘What did you believe in your heart?’ Pelley asked.

‘That it was a symbol to many of, a very offensive symbol to many, many Americans,’ McCain said.”

The problem: It should be offensive to many, many more Americans than it is, more Americans than to whom McCain was referring. It should be offensive to you if you’re an American, no matter how you hyphenate it. It’s not just a symbol of slavery. It is the symbol of the single biggest act of sedition that has ever been perpetrated upon the United States of America, the attempted secession of many states from that union.

And, as such, the notion of flying that symbol above any publicly-funded buildings or land should be prohibited without debate. As if its more usual connotation isn’t enough. But, unfortunately, it isn’t. And it’s not all there is. There should be no pride to be had, no celebration required, from a movement that did seek, literally, the end of the United States of America. We are at the moment in a bit of a scuffle with another group of folks who seek to achieve the very same thing.    

Yeah, that’s right. I said it. That’s how big I think it is. And when you narrow the question to the issue of how this affects a singular group of Americans, you deny that it should and does affect the rest of us. The confederate flag isn’t just “their” issue. It’s everyone’s.

I think the same hair-trigger impulse has forced Don Imus to answer for some charges while not having to answer for some in his comments that are at least equally disturbing. More than insulting African-Americans, what Imus said insults women. Specifically, he commented on their attractiveness. He implied that, because they were athletic and were ambitious in athletics, they were not attractive, and he furthered the notion that, to be worth anything, women should be attractive and should not be athletic and ambitious in athletics.

Think of it this way: Would Imus have made a similar statement about the Ohio State guys?

Certainly, race played a considerable role in Imus’ charming comments, and he probably should be attempting to apologize to that community—although it is an entirely futile exercise, because the physics of it is that once a celebrity type utters such a thing in public it is drawn on plexiglass and stapled to his forehead forever—he also needs to have his people book an appearance on The View.

His comments were not just harmful to African-Americans. They were harmful to women generally.

P.S. Where does Imus get off saying that anyone else in the world is “nappy-headed?”

John McCain Is A Douchebag

The nice thing about being Sen. John McCain this week is that you personally get to symbolize everything that is wrong with the American occupation of Iraq.

How could anyone manage to appear more foolish than the current president? But McCain has somehow managed to out-chimp the Chimp.

I don’t have to rehash the headlines for ya. McCain went to Iraq accompanied by 100 Marines, 2 Black Hawks and a couple heavily armored HUMVs and then he says gee, it sure is great that I can walk down the street!

But that’s not why he’s a douchebag. He’s a douchebag because of what he’s told 60 Minutes about it (to air this Sunday).

“Of course I am going to misspeak and I’ve done it on numerous occasions and I probably will do it in the future. I regret that when I divert attention to something I said from my message, but you know, that’s just life.”

John. Dude. The problem isn’t that you “misspoke.” In fact, douchebag, you didn’t misspeak. To “misspeak” means the person said something by mistake. You didn’t misspeak, douchebag. That’s the problem. You honestly believed what you were saying while the words were coming out of your mouth, believed that you weren’t being ambushed because the “surge” is working, not because you were surrounded by a SWAT team.

Can we please strike the word “misspeak” from the English language? It has become one of those Washington Weasel Words, seldom used correctly, mostly used to make you look one way while the fella’s pulling something out of his sleeve.

Regardless of whether John McCain is a douchebag, whether the “surge” is “working” or whether all its actually doing is staving off the inevitable all-out civil war in Iraq, here’s the point: I don’t give a rat’s ass. The only way to have “won” the Iraq War or to have “succeeded in Iraq” was not to have invaded in the first place. We lost when we went in, and no surge and no douchebag running for prez and no pullout and nothing is ever going to change that. Congress is wasting its time and resources trying to dictate policy from the Hill. Get out your investigators’ caps, kids. Start digging. Find out who did what when and why. The more effluent you dig up regarding the conduct of this war, the more horrified the American People will become, and the more likely they will be to send a lot more folks to Congress next time who oppose this stupid occupation.

How Clamorous the Noise

I have just watched the knock-down dragout between broadcast professionals Geraldo Rivera and The Big Giant Head which apparently occurred recently on “The Big Giant Head Factor” on Fox Noise Channel. Since I do not watch the Fox Noise Channel, I caught it of course on the internets. Be warned. When you go to watch it, you will be convinced that you are about to witness a murder.

You see, apparently there’s this drunk driving case in sunny Virginia Beach where the fella what was driving was an illegal immigrant of the brown-skinned variety, and it’s not his first offense. Ted Baxter was angry because, in his opinion, this occurred because this gentleman was not escorted to the border and asked to leave after the first incident. Rivera countered that, perhaps, this actually occurred because the gentleman was imbibing alcohol and that his country of origin and immigration status were irrelevant.

HuffPo’s “Eat the Press” makes the conclusion from this that The Big Head is losing his mind. Though I hasten to point out that we knew this about him long ago. I personally wonder if this exchange gives us a larger picture of the state of morale at the Fox Noise Channel.  

Dude. You’ve got to watch this thing. Geraldo’s got blood in his eyes. The vein in his forehead throbs. You can tell. He is doing everything in his power not to commit murder on national television. It’s a beautiful thing, cathartic in a way, to see someone so express what The Big Head can inspire with his hypocrisy and his Archie Bunker compartmentalizing of the world and his cherrypicking and his bullshit.

It just makes me think, when two “broadcast professionals” who have already made the concession to work for the Fox Noise Channel go at one another like pit bulls in a jelly jar; and when the voice of reason through that broadcast is the fella what promised to shave off his mustache if Michael Jackson had been convicted; well, how much longer until the Fox Noise Channel shakes apart at the seams? Eh?  

Today’s Best Person in the World

We won’t make a habit of it here at KIAV because throwing shit balloons at the current president is ever so much more fun, but today, I’m nominating Kicks point guard Stephon Marbury as “Best Person in the World.”

Instead of raking in mountains of money with endorsement deals, Marbury is marketing a new brand of shoe called the “Starbury,” which retails for $14.98 a pair. What’s more, not only does he sell ’em. He wears ’em. On the court.

That, my friends, is what we call “class.” You may find it difficult to recognize because it is preciously rare these days.

How To Know A Republigoat Is Lying:

Their lips are moving.

Witness the White House’s recent attempt to do the Jane Fonda (and no, not in a Mickey Avalon kinda way, more like in a swift vote betterans for shit kind of way) on House Speaker Nancy Pelosi.

Via Bloomberg:

“March 30 (Bloomberg)—A White House spokeswoman denounced a plan by House Speaker Nancy Pelosi to visit officials in Syria as part of a trip to the Middle East.

“Pelosi’s outreach to a state sponsor of terrorism is a ‘really bad idea,’ White House spokeswoman Dana Perino said at a briefing in Washington. ‘Someone should take a step back and think about the message that it sends and the message that it sends to our allies.’

Perino’s remarks come as a group of Republican lawmakers has embarked on their own trip to Syria. Michael Lowry, a spokesman for Representative Robert Aderholt, said that the Alabama lawmaker will visit Syria as part of a Republican delegation led by Representative Frank Wolf, a Virginia Republican. Wolf is the top Republican on the House appropriations subcommittee that funds the State Department.

“Perino wasn’t available to comment about that trip.”

Of course she wasn’t.

To make matters worse, the “liberal media” is just conspiring with the White House in this attempt to turn the leader of the peoples’ house into “Damascus Nancy.” Click on this here to see Media Matters’ coverage of CNN’s Suzanne Malveaux’s failure to be a journalist. 

Don’t let ’em do it, kids. There is nothing out of the ordinary about a congressional delegation to Syria. The only reason for the White House to bark about this is that these assholes don’t believe that anyone with the “D” in front of their names has any right to govern, and that they therefore have the right to do a Jane Fonda on her. Next water cooler you’re standing next to and the fella intimates that Nancy Pelosi is somehow unpatriotic for visiting Syria, punch him in the stomach. He deserves it for being such a booger eating moron.

How Express and Admirable

The three of you who read KIAV regularly may notice that I have added to my list at the right of endorsements for President of the Untied States of America. There is one addition to the list that violates a rule I’ve held for quite some time.

I have maintained that John Kerry was derailed in 2004 not by swift vote betterans or by the UBL surprise tape or by the fact that his speech pattern is that of a poked weather balloon, but by his awkward manuevering to get around the fact that he voted for the Joint Resolution to Authorize the Use of United States Armed Forces Against Iraq but was running against the war. I myself made the mistake of casting my primary vote for Kerry and not for my first choice, Howard Dean, whom I was chatting up long before you and your lady friend there had ever heard of him, believing that Kerry was the one who could win the Presidency since, you know, Howard Dean screamed into a microphone and all. What a bastard.

In a previous post, I dismissed John Edwards pretty forcefully because he had also voted for the Resolution. The difference: John Edwards has not said “I was for it before I was against it.” John Edwards has said, “I was wrong.” Nothing making flippy floppy about that.

But that’s not what’s spurred me to consider Edwards a contender. It’s this whole cancer thing, and I thank radio talk show host Jon Elliott for giving me this: Contrast for a moment if you will George W. Bush’s reaction to devastating news to John Edward’s reaction to devastating news. Bush sat doing what he was doing before for seven minutes, then got on a plane and skipped around the country for the rest of the day. Then he woke up the next day and pretty much went batshit crazy and ended up embroiling these Untied States in the Most Stupid War Ever.

I know it seems like apples and oranges, but: John Edwards has reacted to this adversity with grace and courage. He didn’t even get up to slap Katie Couric in the head, not even once. He faces overwhelming adversity, and yet, despite the obstacle, he and Elizabeth quickly commanded a decision, and a rather bold one at that. These are awesome human beings. And I have decided that I believe that their presence in the White House would be excellent for America.

And, oh yeah, Bill Richardson’s on there now too.