When You Point Fingers, Three Fingers Gouge Your Eyes Out and Curb Your Spine

There is a lot of finger pointing going on regarding the impending government shutdown. Democrats say it’s the Republigoats’ fault; Republigoats sez it’s the Democrats’ fault. I just want to point out one thing regarding all the phalanges waving around: There is, truly, only one political party which has actually said out loud that shutting down the federal government is a drool-inducing sexual fantasy of theirs: The Republigoats.

If there is a shutdown at midnight, you will collectively hear every last Republigoat in these here Untied States moan in ecstasy and then have to excuse themselves to use the washroom. Some might even have to ask you if you can lend them a change of pants. Because the direct policy goal of the Republigoat party is to beat the living shit out of the government until it can do little more than curl up in a ball in the corner, rock back and forth, and blow spit bubbles.

Although. As Dr. Rachel Maddow (no, not that kind of doctor) points out seven or eight times every night on her television program lately, Republigoats and “conservatives” talk a big game about “limited” government but who in actual fact won’t rest until there’s a telescreen in every home. In Michigan, the governor wants the power to dismantle your local municipal government based on his say-so that said government is not fiscally solvent. They want the power to monitor every pregnancy in the nation to ensure that every last one is carried through to birth. The examples are countless; these “small government” folks are actually interested in a big strong goose-stepping government that feeds us black goo bread and Victory gin.

But when it comes to government doing the things government ought to do, when it comes to facilitating unemployment benefits—a government function I personally was recently made very glad was there—when it comes to the government investing in women’s health, when it comes to building infrastructure, to being the spendor of last resort in tough economic times, when it comes to these reasonable functions of the commons, these Bizarro-Utopian Anarchists pop a boner at the notion of shutting down the aspects of government that are actually useful. One of their leading champions, consultant Grover G. Norquist, famously said that he’d like to get government so small he could drown it in a bathtub. But I’m sure he’d light candles and use a nice bubble bath and salts first.

Remember whose eternal wet dream is a government shutdown when you don’t get your tax refund until November.

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