We’re All Out Of Bubblegum

A Unanimous Commentary by the Bonks

There is an iconic moment in the John Carpenter ’80s classic “They Live,” when the solitarily enlightened Nada, played by Roddy Piper, runs into a bank with his stolen police shotgun, pauses, and proclaims:

I am here to chew bubblegum and kick ass. And I’m all out
of bubblegum.

These days this action-hero catch-phrase roams our imaginations like that damned “Tubthumping” song, because we hope that, one day soon, Barack Hussein Obama will stand before a joint session of Congress and say it.

Yes. It is clear to us Bonks that it is time for the POTUS to get a new set of balls, or as they say at the GOOP Ladies Guild, “Man Up, Barack!”

Yes, we agree that Obama first established his national presence by pushing a conciliatory message that gave his 2008 campaign a viral energy. But this is 2010. We have tried the kumbaya shit for two years and learned it only feeds the political opposition. More poop for the GOOP. It should now be clear even to Barack Obama that the opposing political party wants nothing more than to eat Obama’s face off. You cannot charm a school of piranha with soothing music.

On the whole we must note that Obama has been an most effective President. Your average run of the mill newspaper reporter can’t remember who is responsible for TARP but can tick off the list of Obama accomplishments (perhaps assisted by whatthefuckhasobamadonesofar.com). And it is even true that many of these accomplishments are lasting, respected and historic.

But the presidency is not a string of legislative victories that few people understand. A President is not just an administrator. He is not just a guy rolling a rock up a hill. As leader of the party he must move the rock and elicit adulation for every inch he moves it and shame the hell out of those who are not convinced that moving the rock was the salvation of the nation. Obama has failed at this.

The President has lost the battle for hearts and minds by failing to pay attention to the important details of leadership that let everyone know who is in charge and what the agenda should be. We know that from the get-go that The President has been tone-deaf to the interests of his own base. Some of us have not forgotten that he invited Christofacist Rick Warren to give the invocation at the inauguration. Certainly, we are still pissed off that he conceded the Public Option before the health care debate began on Capitol Hill. We wonder what the hell happened to his “fierce advocacy” for the rights of our gay brothers and sisters and uncles and aunts and nephews and nieces and cousins.

But it is not the abandonment of the base that rankles now. We have been critical, but steadfastly supportive (liberals know how to do this). We have understood, despite the intensely earnest Obama campaign, that “hope” and “change” might get stuck in the Washington blender and come out looking more like “cheapen hog” or “peach hen go,” and we’re fine with that. As long-time observers of Washington, we understand that mutual back-scratching is wildly rampant there. No, in the larger scheme of things, President Barack Obama has been effective even despite the vagaries of American national politics, and we acknowledge this.

But the President’s response to the vicious attacks, lies and intimations of the GOOP often come off as George McFly to the Republigoats’ Biff Tannen. I mean, WTF is this noise, offered at Obama’s post-rout press conference?

I am very eager to sit down with members of both parties and figure out how we can move forward together.

What was Mitch McConnell’s response to this olive branch?

President Obama can lick my sweaty taint. He’s a big homo, and he’s smelly. Screw that guy. I hope he gets AIDS and dies alone and broke and his dick falls off. I’ll give you an award, you big Nobel homo. Here’s a Dixie Cup with some poop in it. And, you know what? It’s my poop. Dick-hole.

Okay. We embellished. But not by much.

A joke from a bygone era: There was this guy named Franklin Delano Shit-head. And he went before a judge and said he wanted to change his name. The judge asked him what he wanted to change his name to, he said “George Shit-head.”

Popular joke at the time. FDR was not adored by all. He knew it. He reveled in it. From his second inaugural address, which announced the Second New Deal:

For twelve years this Nation was afflicted with hear-nothing, see-nothing, do-nothing Government. The Nation looked to Government but the Government looked away. Nine mocking years with the golden calf and three long years of the scourge! Nine crazy years at the ticker and three long years in the breadlines! Nine mad years of mirage and three long years of despair! Powerful influences strive today to restore that kind of government with its doctrine that that Government is best which is most indifferent.

For nearly four years you have had an Administration which instead of twirling its thumbs has rolled up its sleeves. We will keep our sleeves rolled up.

We had to struggle with the old enemies of peace—business and financial monopoly, speculation, reckless banking, class antagonism, sectionalism, war profiteering.

They had begun to consider the Government of the United States as a mere appendage to their own affairs. We know now that Government by organized money is just as dangerous as Government by organized mob.

Never before in all our history have these forces been so united against one candidate as they stand today. They are unanimous in their hate for me and I welcome their hatred.

I should like to have it said of my first Administration that in it the forces of selfishness and of lust for power met their match. I should like to have it said of my second Administration that in it these forces met their master.


That’s how it’s done. FDR stood up and stood strong, and guess what: He Died In Office.

In the current political climate, homilies to bi-partisanship only sound like so much tomato fertilizer, and tomato fertilizer is like kryptonite to guys like us. All it accomplishes is to annoy the people who swarmed to get Obama elected.

President Obama should choose the 2011 State of the Union Address as the occasion to announce that he’s all out of bubblegum.

If he doesn’t, it may very well be time for these bloggers to begin considering other Article II scenarios.

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