Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Sen. Larry Craig, Republigoat of Idaho, for providing me with hours and hours and hours and hours of uproarious laughter these past few days. I really needed it.

Wait, there it goes again. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I just reread the police report over at The Smoking Gun! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig opens his news conference with “thank you all for coming out today.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig says his mistake was pleading guilty! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig says…HA HA HA! Craig says…HA HA HA! Craig says he’s not gay, and that he’s “never been” gay! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sorry. It’s just so funny. It’s funny like the urban myth about the group of high school boys who prank one of their own by digging a deep hole in the backyard, then ring the bell, then when he answers, they grab the kid, drag him to the hole, and throw him into it. It’s that goddamned funny. Through the funny, though, there are questions. For instance, was the senator actually cruising for ass in that airport bathroom? Or does he just have a “wide stance?”


No, seriously. If you read the police report, it seems to me to say that, indeed, Sen. Craig was cruising. Before he entered said stall, he sized up the officer through the door crack (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!), so much so that the officer could discern Craig’s eye color. Craig reportedly entered the stall to the left of the officer, did a bit of foot tapping, and then reached under the divider. The officer reported that Craig reached under with his left hand. That would have to mean Craig was standing and facing the wall.

Generally, public men’s room ettiquette dictates that one generally doesn’t use the stall at all unless you’re about to explode. You go in, you pee in the troph, you look straight ahead, you don’t make chit-chat, you finish and zip up, you pretend to wash your hands, and you exit. If you must poop, there’s no goofing off. You drop trou, you sit, you evacuate your bowels, you offer a courtesy flush if you’re a nice guy, you finish, you wipe your ass, you wash your hands, and you exit. You don’t stand up, and you don’t, I repeat, you do not reach under the divider, unless of course you are a self-repressed homosexual panning for ass. So, yes, I for one believe the senator was seeking a sad pathetic sexual experience in a public bathroom. Sen. Craig’s behavior after his arrest seem to me to confirm this theory, as would his plea to DOC.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that: Republigoats, and, indeed, many Democrats, and, indeed, many Americans, have so much trouble comprehending a very simple truth, that gay people are born wanting what they want, just as straight people are born wanting what they want, that gay people cannot be “cured,” that they can only choose to either live in denial with varying degrees of success, or to embrace it openly, pursue happiness as was Declared long ago, and turn the other cheek hoping for the best. It appears that Sen. Craig (allegedly) chose the former and did not have much in the way of success with it.

While it is certainly funny (I cannot help but read the police report and imagine how many doot noises occurred while all of this was going on…HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!) it is also sad. It is sad that Sen. Craig (allegedly) had to hate what he is so much that spelunking for anonymous dick during a layover (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!) seemed an attractive option. It is sad that one can, apparently, be arrested for such behavior. It is sad that 55 percent of Idaho now wants Sen. Craig to resign, just because the man might be queer, that his party’s faithful are not just willing, but eager to give him the Vito Spatafore treatment.

It is sad, yes, and politically weird. It seems that, if you want to find the closet cases in the Republigoatic Party, all’s you have to do is to find the ones who are shouting most loudly on the tallest soapboxes against homosexuality. I hope it’s not the fact that Craig might have the ghey that’s driving people to stand against him, but the hypocrisy, as says pundit Margaret Carlson. But I don’t think so, not when Mitt Romney can come right out and call it “disgusting,” not when Mitch McConnell insists that this is “a serious matter.”

Mitch, buddy. You’re wrong. It’s not serious at all. It’s actually funny as hell.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Anti-Spam Quiz: