Get A Brane, You Moran!

In case you’re wondering, we did our job here in the eighth district of Virginia. Rep. Jim Moran decimated opponent Patrick Murray tonight with a 23-point lead.

You won’t see this district’s election in the headlines. And that’s a shame. Because the election here in the Peoples’ Republic of Arlington is the real story.

You see, Rep. Moran is a progressive.

Here’s a bit from the Alexandria Times, a news organization I wasn’t aware existed until tonight:

In his acceptance speech Moran rejected claims his party had overreached since President Barack Obama’s inauguration, comparing their legislative successes with the civil rights movement of the 1960s. In a year when many candidates campaigned against government intervention, Moran embraced health care reform, Wall Street regulation and the stimulus bill.

The soon-to-be 11-term congressman predicted Republicans running on an anti-government platform may have trouble governing. Moran also pledged to work with Obama to fight off any attempt at rolling back the party’s legislative gains.

“We cannot allow the politics of fear and narrow-mindedness to win over the American legacy of … optimism,” he said. “We’re Democrats second and Americans first. This is our country and we’re proud to see it realize its full potential.”

Now, it is understood that Northern Virginia is generally liberal politically. But. Do you think it’s a coincidence that a Democrat who governs as a progressive and who ran as a progressive ended up with his boot on his opponent’s neck and will now serve his 11th term as a congressman, in an election year when Democrats in congress are considered to be an endangered species?

Bear in mind, Moran’s job security isn’t a fait accompli. Moran first won the position in 1990 versus a six-term Republigoat, Stanford Parris.

If you’ll recall, this writer called this election as it actually occurred on September 7, 2010. I wrote, very specifically:

Democrats are going to LOSE in November.

Freaky, right?

But the logic behind my prediction holds. Democrats in this election season ran away from their accomplishments, not on them.

Speak up, Harry Truman:

I’ve seen it happen time after time. When the Democratic candidate allows himself to be put on the defensive and starts apologizing for the New Deal and the fair Deal, and says he really doesn’t believe in them, he is sure to lose. The people don’t want a phony Democrat. If it’s a choice between a genuine Republican, and a Republican in Democratic clothing, the people will choose the genuine article, every time; that is, they will take a Republican before they will a phony Democrat, and I don’t want any phony Democratic candidates in this campaign.

But when a Democratic candidate goes out and explains what the New Deal and fair Deal really are—when he stands up like a man and puts the issues before the people—then Democrats can win, even in places where they have never won before. It has been proven time and again.

It has been proven time and again. Right here in the eighth district. Democrats should pay attention to Jim Moran.

Student Lones

By the way, the Washington Post article I linked to in the last post contains a incredibly good point made by the former President, an accomplishment of these Democrats that they should by shouting from the rooftops, but that they just aren’t talking about one bit: They reformed student loans.

Clinton reserves time near the end of his speeches to talk about student-loan policy change, an Obama accomplishment he says isn’t getting its due on the campaign trail. Clinton bemoans that the United States has fallen from first to ninth in the world in the percentage of adults with a four-year college degree – because too many students drop out for fear that they can’t repay their loans.

Democrats overhauled student-loan policy to cap monthly repayments at 10 percent of discretionary income – a law Clinton says Republicans want to repeal.

Why in God’s green earth isn’t every Democrat running for anything touting this marvelous accomplishment?

Jukebox Hero

Here at the imaginary think-tank known as Crack Whores for Good Government and its imaginary subsidiary the Serious Poo-Poo Institute of Technology (S.P.I.T.), we have a basic theory that we tout here at the old KIAV known as the suppository theory.

You see, it seems that once upon a time, a doctor gave a man a box of suppositories. The man continued on this course of treatment for some time with little result. In a follow-up visit, the man said to the doctor, he said, “Doc, for all the good these are doing me, I might was well be shoving them up my ass!”

Well our theory goes that, generally, conservatives have actually ingested a suppository the traditional way. But this is no ordinary suppository. It is a rusty, jagged sucker that really smarts going up in there, so there’s this specialized syringe that they use, but often part of the syringe breaks off and is left lodged up there. Anyway, the suppository is then shot into the person, traveling throughout the body, spreading throughout all kinds of horrible ideas and other flotsam, such as poop, meaningless phrases drawn from the John Galt manifesto, more poop, and an odd attraction to tall lanky goat-looking blonde chicks who bear an Adam’s apple. Eventually, the rusty thing enters the person’s brain, severing the corpus callosum, allowing the person to place full faith into an ideological system that persistently reassures him that it is absolutely okay to be an asshole.

I believe that this theory has been put to the test, specifically in the weird hero worship of a certain broad from Wasilla.

By all reasonable metrics, Prudence Palin ought to be a national embarrassment. She was plucked from relative obscurity as governor of the 47th least populous state in the nation by a hornily desperate presidential campaign, and she promptly proved herself to be simultaneously in way over her head and oddly uncooperative. She spontaneously combusted on national television several times before finding her role as the nation’s leader in unleashing one of our nation’s most primal energies, that of racial hatred and putrid scapegoating. Never before in my lifetime had the United States been closer to a Nazi hate-fuck than it was when all eyes were on Prudence Palin during the 2008 presidential campaign. Then, partially due to her inclusion on the ticket, the McWeirdsmile ticket lost miserably, and she skulked back to Alaska and sparred in the media with the teenage boy who knocked up her little home-schooled daughter and with the late-night television personality who dared to point out such a hypocrisy. THEN, unbelievably, Prudence Palin RESIGNED as governor and treaded water to convince you and me that her resignation was good leadership.

But she’s still a hero to these people. Prudence Palin should be back home in Wasilla 12 pounds heavier from drowning her failed miserable feelings with bon-bons and sherry. But she’s not. There she was on the TV there just today, proudly displaying the notes she’d written on her palm. Prudence Palin is a rock star to these people. And I believe that fact supports my theory that these people have been possessed by the previously discussed rusty brain implant. I also believe it spells trouble for Democrats.

Because our rock star currently occupies the White House. But our rock star is more Robert Palmer to their Courtney Love over there. We got smart and elected competence. But competence doesn’t always think it’s necessary to leap down into the mud and start ripping shirts. No, our guy has actually believed in himself and in his abilities and the country’s abilities and that he could get this mutha done and that that would be all that would matter. And that’s what he’s done, by the way. I mean, you wanna talk about jobs? This Obama guy single handedly saved a million jobs by saving the auto industry, and all he’s taken for it is a bunch of crap.

No, our rock star/superhero, he’s exceptional, but he’s beleaguered. And he can’t be the only one. There have to be more rock stars on our team damnit Jim. And I just don’t see it. And I think there’s a reason.

Superman doesn’t kick Lex Luthor’s ass by apologizing for his superpowers. Batman doesn’t lock the Joker up at Arkham by being humble about his kick-ass ride. And Prudence Palin didn’t become this conservagoat deity by blushing and stumbling over herself to apologize for looking like a jackass with Charlie Gibbons and Katie Koorick. Whatever their superpowers, these (fictional and real) folks have gained their notoriety by embracing them and exercising them with full force.

Democrats, however, often seem apologetic about their awesome superpowers, which is a shame. Because we shouldn’t be. We’re the man with the plan, figuratively. Call us tax-and-spend? Of course that’s what we are, you jackass, because that’s what government is established to do. Call me a “liberal?” With a capital “L,” sucker, so spell it right.

This is why I was so utterly, melt-in-your-mouth happy to see Anthony Weiner completely lose his shit on the floor of the House. That guy is one of our superheroes, as is Alan Grayson. I can’t name too many others.

But we need more.


A few random items for your consideration.

#1. Having just recently watched “The McVeigh Tapes,” hosted by Rachel Maddow, whose picture you see when you look up the word “awesome” in the dictionary, it occurred to me that, perhaps, just perhaps, Tim McVeigh was a self-hating homosexual. What do we think?

#2. Thousands rally at Illinois Capitol — for a tax increase. Why ain’t this story on the front page of the New Yawk Times and shit?

#3. No, I guess there is no #3.