October 24, 2008

KIAV Exclusive: Leaked Republigoat Campaign Memorandum

Category: Barack Obama for President — Brady Bonk @ 4:57 pm

From: Anonymous Republigoat Strategist
To: Party Loyalist Rank-and-File, Joe The Plumber
Re: 2008—Batshit Crazy Will Lead Us To Victory
11:48 p.m. Oct. 22, 2008

I know it’s looking bleak. Just over two weeks to go, and the polls are caving in on us or, at best, holding steady. I know the phrase “shine off the apple” has been making the rounds regarding Gov. Palin. I would appreciate it if you did not utter the phrase in my presence. Thank you. And, yes, the old man seems like he’s starting to crack up. There for a moment, I thought Johnstown was going to rush the stage and pummel him. “I couldn’t agree with them more?” Christ. Every time the man opens his mouth, my balls tighten up a little. I can’t help it. It’s just a reflex. 

I’m pleased to announce though that we have new marching orders from on high. It is a Hail Mary play, but one that I think has some potential. What the hell, right? 

As you know, for years, we have exercised what we all have come to know as the “Rove Flip,” wherein you turn an opponent’s strength into a weakness by flipping it, by criticizing him for it, even if you have to lie your ass off to create the criticism. There are many variations of the RF, in fact one we’ve been employing quite a bit this season has been the one where you blatantly accuse your opponent of participating in horrible shitty behavior that you know you yourself are actually engaged in. Actually, this maneuver has become known as the “Cindy Corollary,” thanks to her amazing claim that, in fact, the Obama campaign is running the “dirtiest campaign in American history.” I’m glad I was alone my office with the door closed when I first heard that because I laughed my fool head off. That was amazing work, Cin. You deserve the recognition. Keep it up!

We have decided that it is necessary at this stage in the game to RAMP THINGS UP a bit. We’re in the hole, and the old man is wandering all over the place stammering like an idiot. I’ve been tempted to make him lip sync, but our tech guys can’t figure out how to make that work. We tried him on an earpiece so we could direct him a little, but we put an end to it after the Brokaw debate; it just makes him wander around the stage even more, looking for that disembodied voice. No, what we need to do is to now is to employ a much-discussed theory that’s not yet been tried: The mythical “Rove Batshit Crazy Motherfucker.” Yes, it really does exist.  

I know. It is scary to imagine that we’re actually going to try this, to test TB’s theoretical nuke, the idea that,  if “flipping” does the job as effectively as it does, then completely blowing shit up with complete total nonsense crazy will serve to make we Republicans kings of the world for all of eternity. I know it’s scary, that you worry for your reputations and, indeed, for your very holds on reality. But, friends, we are in a tighter spot than I’ve seen us since Butterfield spilled about the tapes. We need results here, people. So. Batshit crazy it is. 

I know of a young woman in Pittsburgh who can fake a mugging. It would be better, of course, if she could carve something into her own face. Should not be a problem, from what I understand, she’s cut herself before. I will of course make sure that she knows to blame it on a Negro when she reports it, Susan Smith style. And, you guys are doing great at the rallies, but could you be more creative with the things you’re screaming out? “Terrorist” and such are getting pretty old. Try “Obama is a space alien,” or “Obama is the doo-doo man.” You know. Real batshit crazy stuff. And Gail, that was a nice touch not washing your hair for a few days. Thanks for that. You’re a go-getter.

I think I can get the old man’s brother to call 911 to complain about the traffic. That would be very helpful. If any congressman receiving this memo would like to help us out, just walk onto the floor and start speaking in tongues. I will be watching C-SPAN for it. And, finally, folks, I am not opposed to anyone doing a little streaking. Just make sure to wear a McCain/Palin bumpersticker on your derier.

Help us out, folks. We need to put TB’s theory to the test. We are after all in the midst of a disaster, and what better time than a disaster to take our big ideas off of the drawing board and to put them into practice? Think like Prince. Let’s go crazy. Let’s get nuts. Hey, that’s a good song. Maybe we can use it on the campaign trail. Anyway. At the very least, remember that any batshit crazy thing you do is likely to drive a liberal TO TEARS. Thanks for all you do, and God bless America. 

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