Dear Congressman Goode,

I am writing to you today to thank you for making all Virginia residents look like lip-doodling, drooling morons.

Your recent letter to supporters regarding the already bottom-feeding “controversy” regarding what bound stack of papers Rep.-Elect Keith Ellison of Minnesota will rest his palm upon when his photograph is taken as he pretends to be sworn in has managed somehow inexplicably to make more of this towering non-issue than has already been made of it, and you managed as well to prove yourself to be an ignoramus.

Your reaction to the Ellison story was to bring up the subject of illegal immigration, an issue that is, surprisingly, totally unrelated to the bizarre concern over this story. You see: Keith Ellison is an AMERICAN CITIZEN. He was born and reared in the United States of America. There was nothing untoward about his election, and there is no reason or law that forbids any American from serving in Congress because of religious affiliation.

Not to mention, Congressman: Why on Earth would you want a Muslim man to have his photograph taken as he pretends to be sworn in with his palm flattened down upon a Bible, a book that is not meaningful to him as he practices his faith in God? Would you not rather he pretend to swear in on the book into which he places his full faith in all its glory? I sure would.

I understand that political grandstanding using religious veracity and fear is an easy thing to do these days. It will certainly garnish you a headline or four. But, Congressman, it does not make you a good leader. And, it occurs to me that, if you’re going to participate in such grandstanding, the least you could do is lend your schtick a bit of sophistication, or, at least, a bit of humor.

Here’s a good place to start, sir: When it comes time for YOUR swearing-in ceremony, I think you should have not just one, but NINE Bibles at the ready. Place the Bibles one on top of the other, so you have to STRETCH up your hand to reach the top one to pretend to take your oath. Then, when you need a good picture for yourself to use, you can hand one to your supporters that shows that YOU LITERALLY SWORE ON A STACK OF BIBLES.

How do you like them apples?

Sincerely,
Aaron B. Pryor
Arlington, Va.

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