Convention Time

I have been absent from these pages for some time, it is true. The Serious Poo-Poo Institute of Technology has been in the midst of relocating, and therefore I have been without Internet access for weeks. You know how it goes. These are the travails of the blogger.

The Democratic Convention has been going swimmingly, I think. I was unable to hear Michelle Obama, the Most Elegant First Lady of the United States in History, speak. I will catch up on her speech later, now that, well, you know, I have access to the Internet.

I often bang my head against the steering wheel of my car trying to figure out how in the wide wide world of sports there is any question that President Barack Obama should be re-elected. He has earned a second term. There has not been a President in recent history who has deserved a second term more handily than has Mr. Obama.

This man is not the cause of current state of the economy. He is the architect who stopped the economy from running all the way off the cliff. He reformed our health care system. He led the effort to shoot Osama Bin Laden in the eye. He got rid of the hideous policy of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. He saved the automobile industry, indeed, he saved the automobile industry at a time when his opponent was all like “screw those guys.” He went all bad-ass on those Somali pirates. He scolded the United States Supreme Court right to their faces.

I am convinced that Obama will win, by the way, although I am bewildered that there is even any question. I am convinced he will win based on the strength of the votes of women. Based on the stupidity that was the whole contraception debate and a general concern that the government is sniffing around in their nether-regions a bit too much, I predict that women will come out in droves and will preserve a well-earned second term for Mr. Obama.

I have more predictions, too, if you like.

I predict that if my previous prediction is incorrect, that is, if instead Mitt Romney is elected President of the United States, I predict that Mr. Romney will have a robust jobs bill on his desk by 1:15 p.m. January 20. This is the most cynical prediction I have ever made. But it is what is happening. Congress is holding you hostage as surely as the Iranian students held their hostages until Ronald Raygun’s inauguration in 1980.

In this short-term regard, a Romney Presidency would not be terrible. We would have full cooperation from Congress under his White House. I mean, if you like voting with a party that would hold you hostage. And the party that caused this whole mess in the first place. And the party that wants to regulate your vagina. And the party that brought you the attacks of September Eleventh.

Fired up.

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