You Are Losing This Fight

I have an announcement to make to those who oppose marriage equality in these Untied States of America: You are losing.

Six states now sanction marriage equality: Connecticut, Iowa, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, New York, Vermont, plus Washington, D.C. and Oregon’s Coquille and Washington state’s Suquamish Indian tribes. State by state and region by region, this issue is turning the right way. We’ll make it to Alabama and Georgia eventually. Then we’ll burn DOMA on the stairs of the Supreme Court. You bet we will.

Americans, you see, are less squeamish about this than they used to be. Least, that is what the polls say:

Public acceptance of same-sex marriage has grown at an accelerating pace, with approval jumping by nine percentage points in the past two years and the nation now evenly divided on the issue, according to a new Pew Research Center survey released Thursday.

The poll, conducted in late September and early October, showed 46% of Americans surveyed support legalizing same-sex marriage and 44% are opposed. The survey among 2,410 adults has a margin of error of plus or minus 2.5 percentage points.

You are losing this fight. I can’t say we have you on abortion rights (nope, sadly, you are kicking our asses on that one) or on the wisdom and necessity of a strong, vital, publicly funded national infrastructure, or even on campaign finance. Nope, you assholes have us on the run on all of those issues.

But you are losing on marriage equality and you sure as hell are going to lose.

You are losing because your position is untenable and cruel and inhumane and hypocritical. You are losing because the ultimate extreme conclusion of your position is for a gestapo to patrol house to house to confiscate all of your turkey basters and to make sure all of the sperm donors are registered and are carrying their papers. You are losing because the core of your argument, that “marriage is between a man and a woman” is so often held up to the light these days, and when it is, it is shown for the bunk that it is.

Like the video that now actually exists of a presidential front-runner telling a Vietnam veteran to his face that “marriage is between a man and a woman,” and, therefore, the veteran doesn’t deserve to enjoy the protection of marital law that everyone else enjoys.

Or, like this: A Minnesota state senator, who had coauthored a bill (S.F. No. 1975) to amend the Minnesota Constitution declaring “A marriage between a man and a woman is the only domestic legal union that shall be valid or recognized in Minnesota,” was caught bumping uglies with a staffer and resigned, thus, interestingly, making her the shortest-tenured majority leader in Minnesota Senate history.

And so then these snarky homosexuals just had to pipe up. They issued an open letter to Amy Koch, apologizing for being queer and for, therefore, ruining her marriage.

We are ashamed of ourselves for causing you to have what the media refers to as an “illicit affair” with your staffer, and we also extend our deepest apologies to him and to his wife. These recent events have made it quite clear that our gay and lesbian tactics have gone too far, affecting even the most respectful of our society.

We apologize that our selfish requests to marry those we love has cheapened and degraded traditional marriage so much that we caused you to stray from your own holy union for something more cheap and tawdry. And we are doubly remorseful in knowing that many will see this as a form of sexual harassment of a subordinate.

It is now clear to us that if we were not so self-focused and myopic, we would have been able to see that the time you wasted diligently writing legislation that would forever seal the definition of marriage as being between one man and one woman, could have been more usefully spent reshaping the legal definition of “adultery.”

I like to read this letter aloud in my best Homer Simpson sarcasm voice.

You cannot go on and on about the “sanctity of marriage” and sponsor legislation regarding it and then go rub your big fat ass on some boy and then expect to win this fight. I’m sorry, but each and every time the opponents of marriage equality bubble up to the top, they’re the ones who end up under the glass table.

And, thanks to them, they’ll lose this one. Mark my words, 50 years from now, the only one making a fuss about men marrying men and women marrying women will be this guy.

Daniel Carver

As it should be. As it will be. You’re losing this fight.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Anti-Spam Quiz: