Hoosier Daddy

I’m only half-kidding when I say that I think that candidates for President, Senate, and Congress should be allowed to take a “Family Values Exemption,” that is, they swear never to harangue their constituencies about so-called “family values,” and then if it comes out that they’re fucking around, they get a free pass.

It should be clear to most people that political power helps men get laid, and I wonder if our current policy of throwing a guy out just because he wanders into a faraway enchanted forest doesn’t remove an incentive from public service. If the candidate hasn’t waggled his finger at us about abstaining or hasn’t rehashed the Murphy Brown speech at us, why in the hell do we care if he’s getting a little strange?

There are of course exceptions to this idea. If you, say, run for President, and you’re not a family values prosthelytizer, but a central brick of your campaign is your loving devotion to your cancer-stricken wife, and then it’s revealed that not only have you been dipping it into one of your campaign volunteers, but that she’s given birth to your child, it’s still the same principle—Mr. Edwards was revealed as a stone-cold, scuzzy hypocrite, even though he was no abstinence evangelizor. Had he not thrust Elizabeth and her disease into the spotlight to garner votes, then he might have had a little more room to breathe. I say it’s not the sex that’s the issue. It’s the hypocrisy.

This is where Clinton fell apart a bit, too. He did, you’ll recall, get on 60 Minutes with Hillary and bite his lip and point atcha, an appearance that telegraphed, “Yeah, I’m a dawg; I’ve done it with ladies other than my wife. I won’t any more if you make me Prez.” Of course, if you actually believed that at the time, I’ve got a shitload of derivatives I’d like to sell you. Clinton’s hypocrisy was slight because you knew when he smiled crooked and winked that his snoogling up to Hillary was just a veneer.

So, in the case of Indiana Republigoat Mark Souder, I says hells yeah, put him on a horse blindfolded, take him to the county line and slap the horse’s ass. Did you know that the broad he’s alleged to have been banging was his co-star in some “pro-abstinence” video he’d made? I am not making this up.

Last November, Souder’s office posted a video of Jackon “interviewing” the Congressman about an abstinence-only education hearing. The caption of the video noted that Souder was “one of the only voices speaking in defense of abstinence education.”

They’ve pulled the video itself off of the YouTube, but I can imagine how it might have gone:

TJ: So, Congressman Souder. Your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why is abstinence-only education so important to you?

Souder: Stand up. I want to ogle at your buttocks.

TJ: But Congressman. Doesn’t the Lord command us to refrain from sexual intercourse? We have to keep ourselves pure.

Souder: If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

TJ: Congressman!

Souder: Get it? Get it? Get it?

Oh, dear. Republigoats are FUN.

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