Balls Recovered at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue

WASHINGTON (ABP)—First Lady Michelle Obama didn’t remember shoving the shoebox-sized box marked “Barack’s Balls” under the bed while the family hurriedly unpacked on or around Jaunuary 20, 2010. But she was certainly glad for the day last week when an earring backing fell to the floor and brought her to the ground to peek there.

“I peered right under there, and there it was, that little pink box! I couldn’t believe it,” said Mrs. Obama. “He’d been all over the place looking for it—er, for them—for months! ‘Michelle,’ he’d say, ‘Where the hell are my balls?’ And I’d say, ‘I don’t know, Barack, where were you when you last had them?’ And he’d say, ‘Denver.'”

Mrs. Obama returned the balls to her husband the afternoon before the State of the Union Address.

“He reinstalled them and then he started walking differently, even!” she said. “He said, you know, I think I’m going to tell that Supreme Court a thing or two tonight! Screw those people!”

For a moment, Mrs. Obama said she thought there was another President in the White House.

“All he needed was a cowboy hat and you would have thought it was Dubya,” she said. “His swagger was getting pretty fierce until I swatted him in the ass and reminded him about the Olympics. He may be a Nobel Peace Prize laureate and all, but even he couldn’t bring the Olymics home! That brought him down a peg or two.”

Press Secretary Robert Gibbs confirmed that the President has recovered his balls.

“Oh, he’s quite happy to have them back,” said Gibbs. “The President hasn’t felt right without his balls. Now he’s much more comfortable. Republicans and ‘moderate’ Democrats had best beware. And, for that matter, you need to watch it when the man turns around. His balls are pretty hefty, and if you’re not careful, the President might just whack you in the thigh with his balls.”

Having attended both the Republicans’ and the Democrats’ retreats with his balls and the National Prayer Breakfast to boot, it is hoped by some that Obama will not be seen in public without them again.

“Maybe we’ll do something with them for April Fools’,” said Mrs. Obama. “But I don’t think they’re going back in that box again.”

Then, she added, with a sideways smile, “And, thank goodness for that!”


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