Cassandra, Get a Life!!

I have been complaining to the bakers at Wegmans’ about the fact that they have discontinued their bran muffins. Until about six months ago, maybe longer, Wegmans was the last place you could get a real bran muffin, everyplace else having gone to a doughy cake-like mass with berries in it. (I have to footnote this… I was in Arlington, VA, last week and discovered that Heidelberg still makes a real bran muffin.) Today I got what passes for an answer. Wegmans is doing research into bran muffins, the baker explained. They want to make a new one that rises up tall, and looks more like the cakey, doughy things that pass for muffins these days.

As I understand it, bran muffins… and the world’s only other acceptable breakfast baked thing, the blueberry cake doughnut (either Wegmans or Duncan’s) lost a great deal in the way of texture and eye appeal when the baking world retreated from trans fats. (Wegmans discontinued the blueberry cake doughnut. Duncan still makes it, but it is now more like a Tim Horton thingy than a real doughnut.) Apparently, without the miracle of trans fats, the bran muffin comes out short and squat and is not appealing to tennis moms. I told the Wegmans baker that I liked the muffins the way they were. It was taste and a perception of wholesomeness that made the muffins appealing. Not so, he insisted. If they don’t look tall and puffy, they don’t sell.

I am always on the wrong side of these issues. I think the test of a muffin should be taste and nutrition. Everyone else thinks it should be appearance. The test of a car should be efficiency and comfort and reliability. If everyone agreed with me, cars like my 2002 Saturn, which got 39 mpg on my last trip to DC, would be commonplace. SUVs would be rare, and we would send a lot less money to our Saudi enemies. At the height of his folly, that moron George W. Busch enjoyed a plus 60 approval rating.

The willingness of my fellow citizens to succumb to the blandishments of hype is stunning even if it may ever have been thus. Emerson noted the same phenomena. “Society is everywhere in conspiracy against the manhood of everyone of its members. Society is a joint stock company in which the members agree, for the better securing of his bread to each share-holder, to surrender the liberty and culture of the eater.”  (Self Reliance)

Emerson maintained that the stubborn exercise of self reliant judgement was sufficient. I am not so certain. I can’t get a decent bran muffin without driving 400 miles to Heidelberg’s, my gas costs $4.25 a gallon, global warming is real and that moron George W. Busch was elected president twice.

Bite me you Morons!!!  Bite Yourselves.

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