Can We Please Stop Talking About Hillary Clinton's Junk?

Union leader Paul Gibson said she has “testicular fortitude.” Now she’s not only a hermaphrodite, but man, does Hillary Clinton have some weird genatalia! James Carville said of Clinton on Meat The Press: “If she gave him one of her cojones, they’d both have two.”

So she’s what, Stacy Brown?* She has three balls? And one of them is detachable?

More to the point, why all the posturing? If Clinton is the more experienced, road-ready candidate, then why do her surrogates need to pump her swagger? Do they need excuses for supporting the broad candidate? “I know she’s a woman and all, but—heh-heh—she’s got some danglers on her, wink wink…” And if being a woman really offers us a unique perspective in our executive, lending it a more conciliatory, reasoned approach, as a few Clinton supporters have claimed to me—then why does her campaign think she needs to slap on a strap-on?

Which leads me to an unfortunate pronouncement I need to make here and now. If as is being reported there are plans in the works to seat Florida and especially Michigan at the Convention without proper concessions given to the illegitimacy of those primaries, this usually Democratic loyalist will have to be doing some serious thinking about what he is going to do with his vote. And I suspect that this line of thinking is viral.

If Clinton exercises some brand of “nuclear option,” she risks not a split but a splintering of the Democratic party and Republigoat victories and majorities for the next million years. They cannot seat Florida and Michigan without major concessions and careful attention paid to the fairness of the process. With camps so evenly split, the Clinton campaign cannot so gruffly alienate us, the Obamaniacs. They should not, should not take us for granted because we will only clothespin our noses for so much. This nomination must be legitimate, in fact, it must be squeaky freakin’ clean, because we’ve already seen what an illegitimately elected executive can and will do. I know the phrase “President McCain” is frightening. But the fact is that, offered a choice between a Republigoat and a Democrat dipped in Republigoat Juice, the American public will choose the Republigoat.

Unless, apparently some people think, she has balls.

*Stacy Brown’s Got Two, by Shel Silverstein, Freakin’ At The Freakers’ Ball, 1972.
Did you hear bout Stacy Brown (no, we didn’t, but we’d like to)
He had every chick in town (no, he didn’t, but he tried to)
He had looks, he had class, do anything to get a little lass
And everyone would shout at him when he walks his girlies past
They said everybody got one (everybody got one)
Everybody got one (everybody got one) Stacy Brown got two (oooh)

Do you know the reason for his success (no, we don’t, so tell us)
They say that he was double blessed (not like you fellas)
They say that Stacy Brown was born just a little bit deformed
Still his girl friends, they all wake up smilin’ every morn

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