Richard Bruce Cheney gave a speech today and trotted out a whole bunch of his old saws. I didn’t listen to or watch the speech. I didn’t have to, and neither did you. Because you’ve heard the speech before.
You know, about how Iraq sure did attack us on the September the Eleventh, and about how because of that, we were completely justified in the invasion of that sovereign, secular country. And about how torturing the shit out of people (sometimes literally, I’m sure) was GREAT! And how we need to keep doing it and how President Obama is a big pussy and he’s going to get us all killed. And about how, thank the Lord Jesus Christ that the George Boosh administration was in power following the September the Eleventh because that’s the only thing that “kept us safe” after.
Of course, all of these horsey-poo points make my blood boil. They are lies. They are wrong. They are stupid. But the last one, that one really gets my goat. Asshole.
Cheney. Babe. You guys so totally did NOT “keep us safe” after the September the Eleventh. Let me put it this way, and, I beg your pardon, but I’m going to yell: HAD HURRICANE KATRINA BEEN A TERRORIST ATTACK, THESE UNTIED STATES WOULD BE HALF AS POPULOUS AND ALL OF OUR BROADS WOULD BE FORCED TO WEAR THE HIJAB.
It wasn’t a terrorist attack, of course. It was a natural disaster. Which of course means that nobody, nobody could have known exactly how cataclysmic this event was going to be. Oh, wait.
URGENT – WEATHER MESSAGE
NATIONAL WEATHER SERVICE NEW ORLEANS LA
1011 AM CDT SUN AUG 28 2005
…DEVASTATING DAMAGE EXPECTED…
.HURRICANE KATRINA…A MOST POWERFUL HURRICANE WITH UNPRECEDENTED
STRENGTH…RIVALING THE INTENSITY OF HURRICANE CAMILLE OF 1969.
MOST OF THE AREA WILL BE UNINHABITABLE FOR WEEKS…PERHAPS LONGER. AT
LEAST ONE HALF OF WELL CONSTRUCTED HOMES WILL HAVE ROOF AND WALL
FAILURE. ALL GABLED ROOFS WILL FAIL…LEAVING THOSE HOMES SEVERELY
DAMAGED OR DESTROYED.
THE MAJORITY OF INDUSTRIAL BUILDINGS WILL BECOME NON FUNCTIONAL.
PARTIAL TO COMPLETE WALL AND ROOF FAILURE IS EXPECTED. ALL WOOD
FRAMED LOW RISING APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL BE DESTROYED. CONCRETE
BLOCK LOW RISE APARTMENTS WILL SUSTAIN MAJOR DAMAGE…INCLUDING SOME
WALL AND ROOF FAILURE.
HIGH RISE OFFICE AND APARTMENT BUILDINGS WILL SWAY DANGEROUSLY…A
FEW TO THE POINT OF TOTAL COLLAPSE. ALL WINDOWS WILL BLOW OUT.
AIRBORNE DEBRIS WILL BE WIDESPREAD…AND MAY INCLUDE HEAVY ITEMS SUCH
AS HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCES AND EVEN LIGHT VEHICLES. SPORT UTILITY
VEHICLES AND LIGHT TRUCKS WILL BE MOVED. THE BLOWN DEBRIS WILL CREATE
ADDITIONAL DESTRUCTION. PERSONS…PETS…AND LIVESTOCK EXPOSED TO THE
WINDS WILL FACE CERTAIN DEATH IF STRUCK.
POWER OUTAGES WILL LAST FOR WEEKS…AS MOST POWER POLES WILL BE DOWN
AND TRANSFORMERS DESTROYED. WATER SHORTAGES WILL MAKE HUMAN SUFFERING
INCREDIBLE BY MODERN STANDARDS.
THE VAST MAJORITY OF NATIVE TREES WILL BE SNAPPED OR UPROOTED. ONLY
THE HEARTIEST WILL REMAIN STANDING…BUT BE TOTALLY DEFOLIATED. FEW
CROPS WILL REMAIN. LIVESTOCK LEFT EXPOSED TO THE WINDS WILL BE
1,836 confirmed dead. 705 missing. Total, 2,541. That’s 476 fewer than died on the September the Eleventh. Is that your cutoff when you act like it matters, Dick?
We did get hit again after the September the Eleventh, Dick, you dick, Dick. And just like happened on the September the Eleventh, Dick, you dick, you and your boss and all of your stupid employees were once again proven to be unqualified for all of your jobs. Once again, you sat idly by, helpless in your own buffoonish incompetence while Americans died. You guys couldn’t even pretend to be competent through Katrina just like your stupid boss couldn’t even pretend to be competent as he sat staring into space that morning at Emma E. Booker Elementary School.
Kept us safe? Horseshit, Dick! You guys didn’t keep us safe on 9/11, and you didn’t keep us safe after. The Boosh Administration was so utterly useless that they couldn’t keep a safe safe if they put it in a safe and put the whole mess into a really big safe.
I’m with this guy:
“Homeland Security” (goodness, that name is dreadful and swiped right from the Großdeutsches Reich, can we change it, please?) is about more than just fighting some stupid -ism, you dick, Dick, or it should be if we’re going to bother tolerating an insanely bloated bureaucracy in its name. It should be about something the Constitution likes to call the “general Welfare” and securing the “Blessings of Liberty.” The Preamble doesn’t mention anything about terrorism or commienism or UBL. If it’s a storm or a bomb or a pissed Perez Hilton, Americans are supposed to be able to take some at least minimal level of assurance from their government. When Dick Cheney was President—I mean Vice President, wink, wink—the only assurance Americans could take was that our leaders were guaranteed to shit themselves and then run as fast as they could, only to run into a tree.
I guess what I’m trying to say, Cheney, is that your administration governed like one big Upper Class Twit of the Year contest.
And now you’re here to try to tell us something? You?