The Blog Against Theocracy blogswarm is an excellent excuse for me to address my fellow secular humanists regarding language. This is an eccentric theory I have been working on for quite some time, but it is still under development, so bear with me.
One problem with being a secular humanist is that there’s a lot of language that just shouldn’t make sense to you. For instance, if someone sneezes, and you give them a “Godblessyou,” are you actually helping that person?
And when you slip on the ice or drop your keys under the car, does it really help a non-believer, aside from the obvious release of frustration, to ask God to damn something? If you don’t actually believe in “God,” and you probably don’t believe in “damning,” then what’s in it for you? It certainly isn’t honest or accurate. And it just bows to a universal cultural acceptance of Christian monotheism.
And yet, there is something wildly satisfying about invoking a powerful universal force in curse. Scatological references are useful sometimes too, as are references to fornication and other bodily functions or body parts. Sometimes, though, there’s nothing like an angry beseeching to an almighty.
Which is why, today, I am offering my secular brethren an alternative curse. Instead of cursing God, Jesus, or asking either one of them to send someone or something to a damp, overheated, fiery alternative universe, why not curse the force that is actually most likely the cause of your consternation anyway?
Why not curse gravity?
Probably 80 to 90 percent of the time, gravity is what’s at issue anyway. You drop your keys, you fall on your ass, you drop a dish and it shatters, what did some faceless deity have to do with that? Nothing if you don’t count yourself as a believer. But gravity is often actually the culrpit anyway. Why not yell at it a little?
Besides, you’re not taking any chances by cursing gravity. Gravity has never having smited or damned anyone. It is not a vengeful force, as was once written about this “God” fellow. It’s not going to strike you with a bunch of boils and kill your family and stuff and then be all like, “hah, you got PUNK’D, Job!” Nope, there is no risk of eternal damnation when you curse gravity. Just the ever-present danger that you might break a hip.
Certainly, “gravity!” doesn’t have quite the power of a full-out “god damn it!” I’ve also taken to saying “gravity’s pull!” for extended emphasis, or mixing it up a little with an F-bomb for really dire circumstances. Sure, it lacks power now, but just you wait ’til it catches on. Tomorrow, when you drop that anvil on your foot, give it a try! See how good it feels to utter a curse that makes sense and actually blames the thing that actually caused that to happen to you!