She’s a Pistol

Several years ago, a young woman in Washington, D.C., apparently became concerned that her boss was looking a little like a deer in headlights in the funny papers. So she spent $8,000 and covered up the boobies on the Spirit of Justice.

That was the recent report in National Journal’s “Inside Washington,” that it was Monica Goodling, who in my humble opinion is the one who ought to be named the “American Idol,” because boy, she sure can sing, who was responsible for covering up the boobies. I’m wondering if that was something she learned at Liberty University. Because she certainly didn’t spend her time there learning about the law.

Listen to this. Just listen to it. It is, without a doubt, the most sparkling example I’ve ever seen in current events of something I refer to as an “if it weren’t for my horse.”* Don’t—don’t think about it for more than three minutes or blood will shoot out your nose:

*

Rep. Bobby Scott (D-VA): Do you believe that they were legal or illegal for you to take those political considerations in mind? Not whether they were legal or illegal, what do you believe? Do you believe that they were illegal?

Goodling: I don’t believe I intended to commit a crime.

*

I’m gonna repeat that because it bears repeating. “I don’t believe I intended to commit a crime.”
*

Scott: Did you break the law? Was it against the law to take those political considerations into account? You’ve got civil service laws. You’ve got obstruction of justice. Were there any laws that you could have broken by taking political considerations into account, quote, on some occasions?

Goodling: The best I can say is that I know I took political considerations into account on some occasions.

Scott: Was that legal?

Goodling: Sir, I’m not able to answer that question. I know I crossed the line.

Scott: What line—legal?

Goodling: I crossed the line of the civil service rules.

Scott: Rules? Laws. You crossed the law on civil service laws. You crossed the line on civil service laws, is that right?

Goodling: I believe I crossed the lines. But I didn’t mean to. I mean, I…

*

Do yourself a favor. Stand up. Do a few arm circles and touch your toes. Do not think too hard on this right now, because if you do, at the end of the week, they’ll find you dead in your bathroom.

Remember, Monica Goodling worked in the executive office of the United States Attorney General’s office and had accrued authority in that office to make vital personnel decisions. She was quite a powerful person in this town. And she looked a Congressman in the eye and said, essentially, “Oopsie doopsie!” I reckon that’s what you get when you, um, allow a formerly coked-up, drunk frat boy to steal the White House.

I’ve not been to law school. But it seems to me that one of the first things they might do is to slap a little Joe Friday on you. You know. “Ignorance of the law is no excuse.” With a footnote: ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU WORK IN THE EXECUTIVE OFFICES OF THE UNITED STATES ATTORNEY GENERAL’S OFFICE!  

* Please see bullet point #2 at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lewis_Black#Comedic_style

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