As I went through my ablutions this morning, I thought to myself, self, you should really include in your blog posting that there’s no way in hell any man flies to Argentina on a whim unless he’s following his penis.
But I didn’t. I mean, I mean, I all but said it. But I didn’t. Woulda shoulda coulda.
You know, I think it’s time for the Republigoats to codify their actual stance on extra-marital kertanging into their platform—preferably right after “Protecting Our Families” and “Preserving Our Values,”* as follows.
Fucking Around on Our Wives
It’s okay for Republicans to fuck around on their wives. It’s not okay for Democrats to fuck around on their wives. If a Democrat gets caught fucking around on his wife, Republicans are allowed to run him of office and to use the event to disparage and smear the Democratic Party ad infinitum.** If a Republican gets caught fucking around on his wife, he may resign a token post but remain in power, provided he appears at a press conference, preferably but not necessarily with said humiliated wife, and that he appear to be sorrowful about fucking around on his wife. He must also utilize at least one mention of the sweet blessed name of Jesus or several pithy Bible quotes. Once this deed is accomplished, the Republican receives the GOP Medal of Freedom and a certificate for three free
lap dances*** Rob Roy cocktails at Camelot Show Bar.
Such a platform change would certainly be more honest and would make things much easier on our poor friends in the GOOP.
* Actual planks of the GOOP’s 2008 Republican Platform.
** Every Republigoat I have ever met still thinks that blue dress and/or cigar jokes are funny.
*** Taxation Without Representation: Lap dances are illegal in the District of Columbia.
But there is something to bear in mind regarding Sanford’s incredible press conference of the day: It was little more than a distraction.
Sanford did far worse to his state than he did to his beleaguered wife and family. He abandoned South Carolina. For an entire workweek. One of the arguments the Monigators made was that Bill Clinton’s affair might have caused him to be derelict in his duties. Sanford’s affair clear-cut made him derelict in his duties.
Shit, South Carolina’s Constitution doesn’t even set the threshhold at “high crimes and misdemeanors.”
SECTION 1. Power of impeachment; vote required; suspension of officer impeached.
The House of Representatives alone shall have the power of impeachment in cases of serious crimes or serious misconduct in office by officials elected on a statewide basis, state judges, and such other state officers as may be designated by law. The affirmative vote of two-thirds of all members elected shall be required for an impeachment. Any officer impeached shall thereby be suspended from office until judgment in the case shall have been pronounced, and the office shall be filled during the trial in such manner as may be provided by law. (1970 (56) 2680; 1971 (57) 48.)
Not showing up for work for a week is most certainly “serious misconduct.”
If you don’t believe it, try it yourself sometime.
I was going to write that, if they don’t impeach this guy, impeachment doesn’t mean anything anymore.
Then I remembered that, thanks to Nance Pelosi and friends, actually, it doesn’t.