Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’

I would like to take this opportunity to thank Sen. Larry Craig, Republigoat of Idaho, for providing me with hours and hours and hours and hours of uproarious laughter these past few days. I really needed it.

Wait, there it goes again. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! I just reread the police report over at The Smoking Gun! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig opens his news conference with “thank you all for coming out today.” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig says his mistake was pleading guilty! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! Craig says…HA HA HA! Craig says…HA HA HA! Craig says he’s not gay, and that he’s “never been” gay! HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Sorry. It’s just so funny. It’s funny like the urban myth about the group of high school boys who prank one of their own by digging a deep hole in the backyard, then ring the bell, then when he answers, they grab the kid, drag him to the hole, and throw him into it. It’s that goddamned funny. Through the funny, though, there are questions. For instance, was the senator actually cruising for ass in that airport bathroom? Or does he just have a “wide stance?”


No, seriously. If you read the police report, it seems to me to say that, indeed, Sen. Craig was cruising. Before he entered said stall, he sized up the officer through the door crack (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!), so much so that the officer could discern Craig’s eye color. Craig reportedly entered the stall to the left of the officer, did a bit of foot tapping, and then reached under the divider. The officer reported that Craig reached under with his left hand. That would have to mean Craig was standing and facing the wall.

Generally, public men’s room ettiquette dictates that one generally doesn’t use the stall at all unless you’re about to explode. You go in, you pee in the troph, you look straight ahead, you don’t make chit-chat, you finish and zip up, you pretend to wash your hands, and you exit. If you must poop, there’s no goofing off. You drop trou, you sit, you evacuate your bowels, you offer a courtesy flush if you’re a nice guy, you finish, you wipe your ass, you wash your hands, and you exit. You don’t stand up, and you don’t, I repeat, you do not reach under the divider, unless of course you are a self-repressed homosexual panning for ass. So, yes, I for one believe the senator was seeking a sad pathetic sexual experience in a public bathroom. Sen. Craig’s behavior after his arrest seem to me to confirm this theory, as would his plea to DOC.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that: Republigoats, and, indeed, many Democrats, and, indeed, many Americans, have so much trouble comprehending a very simple truth, that gay people are born wanting what they want, just as straight people are born wanting what they want, that gay people cannot be “cured,” that they can only choose to either live in denial with varying degrees of success, or to embrace it openly, pursue happiness as was Declared long ago, and turn the other cheek hoping for the best. It appears that Sen. Craig (allegedly) chose the former and did not have much in the way of success with it.

While it is certainly funny (I cannot help but read the police report and imagine how many doot noises occurred while all of this was going on…HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!) it is also sad. It is sad that Sen. Craig (allegedly) had to hate what he is so much that spelunking for anonymous dick during a layover (HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!) seemed an attractive option. It is sad that one can, apparently, be arrested for such behavior. It is sad that 55 percent of Idaho now wants Sen. Craig to resign, just because the man might be queer, that his party’s faithful are not just willing, but eager to give him the Vito Spatafore treatment.

It is sad, yes, and politically weird. It seems that, if you want to find the closet cases in the Republigoatic Party, all’s you have to do is to find the ones who are shouting most loudly on the tallest soapboxes against homosexuality. I hope it’s not the fact that Craig might have the ghey that’s driving people to stand against him, but the hypocrisy, as says pundit Margaret Carlson. But I don’t think so, not when Mitt Romney can come right out and call it “disgusting,” not when Mitch McConnell insists that this is “a serious matter.”

Mitch, buddy. You’re wrong. It’s not serious at all. It’s actually funny as hell.

Larry Craig

Whatever you think of the Larry Craig story, you have to admit that, no matter how you slice it, from the details of the arrest to the “I Am Not Gay” press conference today, to the larger ramifications regarding Republigoat sexual suppression and/or hypocrisy, the Larry Craig story is the funniest political story of the year thus far.


I am certain that at one point today, one of my fellow coworkers will poke her head into my office and say, did you hear the news? Gonzoo resigned, isn’t that great?

I will not have an answer. Because I am feeling very ambiguous about this news I’ve just gotten.

First, it renders the official KIAV prediction incorrect. Not that I had money on it, but it is always sad as an amateur wonk to have your predictions scuttled. Second, it allows the current president to unload yet another ginormous political liability, and nobody will end up paying the price. Third, and most dismaying: The Democratic Congress has augur for spines and is not likely to give the replacement nominee nearly enough shit.

I, Too, Became A Dissident

The current president is infamous for mangling and abusing language, sometimes to comic effect, sometimes in a way that plunges a cold martini right into your heart, glass, olive, and all. One of his recent smooshings of a phrase, though, may be the dumbest thing the man has ever said, though I haven’t discerned if it’s funny ha-ha or funny like Major Kong plummeting to Earth on a fat man bomb.

“You’re not the only dissident. I too am a dissident in Washington.” he told Saad Eddin Ibrahim, a leader in the resistance to Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak, as quoted in The Washington Post. Later in the conversation, Bush told Ibrahim that, if it hadn’t been for his horse, he wouldn’t have spent that week in college.

For the record, Saad Eddin Ibrahim actually is a dissident. He was imprisoned for political reasons. He was critical of a sitting government. He spoke out on behalf of minorities and in favor of democracy. And, oh, yes: He is not the President of the United States of America. The current president calling himself a “dissident” is like the current president calling himself a “uniter.” No, wait. It’s like the current president calling himself “a war president.” No, wait. It’s like the current president calling himself “the president.”

A president, any president, cannot be a dissident, by definition. Like a lion is not a peach. Like Richie is not Fonzie. Because a president holds the keys to the national armory, a president, any president, cannot even aspire to be a dissident. Dissidents do not have the guns. They have the numbers. But THIS president? Discussing the irony him claiming to be a “dissident” is nearly a waste of keystrokes. He is not a dissident. He creates dissidents. He is a dissident factory.

Of course, if you give the current president long enough, he can always outdo himself.

He can get up in front of the Veterans of Foreign Wars (haven’t all wars save two been “foreign,” btw?) and somehow suggest that the Iraq Morass is like Vietnam, and that it’s a good thing, that the lesson to have been drawn from Vietnam was that we should have kept at it, by golly!

And those damned kids at Kent State were just asking for it!

This current president, he certainly is something. He’s no dissident. But he’s something.

Where’s That Confounded Bridge?

There is a powerful metaphor somewhere in the wreckage of the 35W bridge in Minneapolis, that while crews were working to fix the bridge’s surface, the whole damned thing crumbled and fell into the river. You can use the metaphor to describe the country as a whole, or just the cultural emaciation at work here, or just the current president’s foreign policy, or, what the hell, maybe it’s just a bridge collapse and a very sad day.

Initial reports were quick to reassure that the collapse was unrelated to terrorism. Well. Perhaps terrorists didn’t do it. But it isn’t unrelated to terrorism.

Terrorism is one of many threats to the national security of the Untied States of America. The current president declared war on it and it alone. In doing so, he created a manic tunnel vision that severely clouded the other threats to the national security of the Untied States of America. Such as massive flooding resulting from an unprecedented hurricane in the Gulf that would drown many and strand thousands with neither food nor water—a national security breach that still goes on as the federal government has apparently offered shelter trailers with poison in the walls. Such as decrepit roads and bridges. Such as Saudi interests in charge of port security. Such as poison in our pet food and in our people food as well. Such as sinkholes, exploding manholes, and exploding pipes in our streets. Such as security at our chemical plants, and our nuclear power plants, and at other vulnerable, dangerous industrial plants. Such as our fragile power grid. Such as what to do when The Big One hits Sam Framsciso Bay. None of these things is terrorism, but every last one of them is a threat to national security, and they’re all either languishing or have bitten us on our collective ass in recent history.

And such infrastructure concerns aren’t just national security concerns. They are also essential to “fighting” the “war” on “terror.” Oh, yes they are. The September Eleventh attackers studied our systems. They found weaknesses. They exploited the weaknesses and ended up killing many people. Wouldn’t a powerful way to “fight” “terrorism” be to fortify the infrastructure so it isn’t vulnerable to “terrorists?”

Now that a bridge has plopped into a river, there will be, for a while, a focused effort to inspect and maintain bridges. President Bush will make a big speech. He might even visit a bridge. Some of the 25 percent of bridges that are crumbling may be fixed. Then it will be on to waiting for the next shoe to drop, say, a Godzilla attack, and then we’ll be all up in arms about what to do about the Godzilla problem.

The crumbling infrastructure of the United States of America is a macro problem. You feel it every time you’re stuck in an aeroplane tube on the tarmac for an hour, every time you’re stuck in traffic, every time a little girl’s feet are sheared off at an amusement park, every time the subway platform is swamped with people. The problem exists because of a disturbingly backward world view that dismisses the existence and practicality of the commons, that insists against all available evidence that any problem can be licked by privatization and private enterprise, an idea that, despite its absurdity, has achieved incredible acceptance. It exists because the powers that be have all but surrendered to globalism, to exporting jobs and expertise abroad, because the notion of protecting American labor smacks nefarious to many despite the many potential benefits.

Tossing chip-chop on a bridge that DOT declared “structurally deficient” in 2005 is indeed an effective, though unfortunate, metaphor. We resurface and fill holes as they appear, while the whole damned thing is about to succumb to gravity. It has been our government’s way at least as far back as September 2001. It is time for a change. We must now demand leaders who can proactively rebuild the commons rather than those who prefer to react when it breaks. As Sen. Klobuchar said: A bridge in America just shouldn’t fall down.

John Gibson’s Boner

I was walking down my street yesterday with my handy-dandy XM Inno radio, and, just for a lark, I thought I’d tune in to the Fox Noise channel and see how long it took for me to hear something that was batshit insane.

It happened instantly. Intstantly. Not even a moment passed before something crazy came falling out of the host’s mouth like Linda Blair shooting pea green soup. I don’t know why I was surprised. It was John Gibson, after all.

He was saying that he didn’t care about the Fourth Amendment, that the Fourth Amendment was no longer relevant, and that he was visualizing a judge on an aeroplane that was going down in flames, and the judge would be holding up a piece of paper and saying, well, at least the Fourth Amendment is intact, and then he egged on his callers and/or his audience, asking them, don’t you want MORE wire tapping? Don’t you?

John Gibson and I are very different people.

He must be positively giddy over the story in today’s The Washington Post, which confirms what Alboo Gonzoo seemed to be explaining to the Judiciary Committee, that the, um, “surveillance program,” was really part of a whole bunch of other cloak and dagger stuff without any oversight. Hey, Gibby! That’s called “proprism,” and it’s dangerous. You should see a doctor!

Should we not be sick to death of explaining this to these assholes? That there’s no reasonable person who wants to block reasonable surveillance by our intelligence gatherers? That we’d just like them to follow the Constitution of the Untied States when they do it? That we want our government to behave more like a trusted, accountable friend with integrity than some coked up loon wacking off in a dark closet while watching us through the slats?

I, for one, cannot wait until the details of what else they’ve had up their sleeves start to ooze out. What else have they been up to, what evil thing made the likes of John “Let The Eagle Soar” Ashcroft bristle? Are they digging in our dumpsters? Have they placed cameras in our toideys? Do Cylons look like us now?

It is extraordinary that a fellow like John Gibson gets paid to say on the radio that the Fourth Amendment is quaint and it’s Howard Stern who was fined for obscenity. Damnit, you don’t get to claim they hate us for their freedom with the same mouth you use to chew up and slobber on the Constitution with. You just don’t.

There is a REASON we require Judge Judy to look over Joe Friday’s shoulder—because sometimes, it’s not Joe Friday, but instead it’s Vin Makazian, or it’s Chief Wiggum. Just like there is a REASON we inspect meat, just like there is a REASON for the existence of OSHA and MSHA, just like there is a REASON that Congress needs to stop dicking around and impeach. Oversight is a good idea. Questioning authority is excellent. And trading these basic, fundamental, and wonderful values in like a few pages of Green Stamps because 19 morons crashed some aeroplanes into some buildings, well, that’s not victory. That’s not victory at all.

It’s surrender.

A somewhat famous fellow in these parts owes his acclaim to these words: “Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!”

To arms. To arms. But let’s stop being so god-damned stupid about it.