The Republican Party Is Wonderful

Today, we here at Crack Whores for Good Government Inc., Washington think-tank and subsidiary of the Serious Poo-Poo Institute of Technology and Ketchup Is A Vegetable Enterprises, would like to announce that we really really really really love Republicans. In fact, I have just this morning lit my ACLU membership card on fire and put it out with my own personal fire hose.

The Republican Party is wonderful. More important, they’re right. Taxes are bad. Always. And guns are good. And abortionists should be executed on the spot because of the innocent life they’re killing. And Ronald Reagan should be revered and respected because he was, truly, the greatest man who ever lived. And there should be a cross with an American flag flying from it on every street corner in America. And Barack Obama is a socialist, a communist, and a fascist, and he and his commie girlfriend Hillary Rodham Clinton are dangerous to America. Terrorism.

Marriage is between a man and a woman. And ever since 9/11, the world is a different place, a place where we as Americans should be happy to allow random, unwarranted searches of our person and our property, secret taps of our communications, undignified searches at airports, a nebulous, sprawling no-fly list, and the occasional random disappearing of an American citizen with no recourse whatsoever to the law. I think that shit is great and we should do more of it. Drill, baby, drill!

Sarah Palin is a genius, and she was horribly maligned by the liberal media. And Hillary Rodham Clinton is a lesbian and she probably murdered Vince Foster. Marriage is between a man and a woman. And had they not unplugged Teri Schiavo, she’d probably be right this very minute completing the third leg of her second triathlon. What those liberal commie dope-smoking judges did to Teri Schiavo is, well, they murdered her. They might as well have wrapped their grubby little hands around her neck and strangled her. They are murderers who killed innocent life, and they want to take away your guns, too, and also, they don’t believe in the Lord Jesus Christ like all good Americans should. Arnold for President!

I voted for George W. Bush and John McCain and George H.W. Bush, god-damnit, and I’d do it again! This Negro that all these homos voted for is just going to spend this country into oblivion and get our country blown up by the Islamo-Fascist terrorists. Michele Bachmann is right! It’s time to revolt against this horrible tyranny!

I’m a Republican, and I’m proud of it! Yay, Jesus!