Pickett's Charge

Today, in an ongoing effort to help Virginia Gov. Bog McDonnell celebrate Confederacy Appreciation Month, we’d like to take a moment to remember Confederate Gen. George Pickett.

Pickett, who was a Confederate general, did I say that already? was perhaps one of the biggest losers of the entire whole Civil War and therefore is an excellent representative of the entire Confederacy, which, as we covered here previously, LOST the war. He is also a suitable mascot for McDonnell’s Confederacy Appreciation Month because he was born in that losing side’s capital city of Richmond.

Essentially, Pickett’s division showed up at Gettysburg on that battle’s second day, July 2, 1863. Gen. Lee had been unable to move the Union army, so his plan was to swamp them with three military divisions. Pickett’s division and a few other brigades flanked the right and got their asses kicked. From the Wiki:

Pickett’s Charge was a bloodbath. While the Union lost about 1,500 killed and wounded, the Confederate casualties were several times that, so that over 50% of the men sent across the fields were killed or wounded. Pickett’s three brigade commanders and all 13 of his regimental commanders were casualties. Kemper was wounded, and Garnett and Armistead did not survive. Trimble and Pettigrew were the most senior casualties, the former losing a leg and the latter wounded in the hand and dying during the retreat to Virginia. Pickett himself has received some historical criticism for surviving the battle personally unscathed, but his position well to the rear of his troops (probably at the Codori farm on the Emmitsburg Road) was command doctrine at the time for division commanders.

Pickett would later go on to command troops at Appomattox. Where he was present to help Lee surrender.

As if “Pickett’s Charge” weren’t bad enough:

On April 1, 1865 his troops were attacked at Five Forks while he was two miles away enjoying a shad bake with Generals Fitzhugh Lee and Thomas Rosser. Atmospheric conditions muffled the sounds of battle so they remained unaware of it until they returned. By that time it was too late, and the final defeat of Confederate forces was all but complete.

Sorry I wasn’t here to watch you get massacred, fellas. I was eating fish.

Pickett later fled to Canada for a while. Then he returned to Richmond, became an insurance salesman (ISYN) and died.

Happy Confederacy Appreciation Month!

Let's Commemorate The Confederacy Right

Elections have consequences.

We’ve certainly seen that statement ring true here in Virginia. Since the Democrats decided that they didn’t really care about winning the governor’s seat in 2008 and ran a candidate against Bob McDonnell who hadn’t been able to successfully defeat him for attorney general, we’ve seen the McDonnell administration do everything it can to reinstate discriminating against homosexuals in the state, and we’ve seen them submit perhaps the stupidest budget this side of the Mississippi. Now, though, with this whole Confederacy Appreciation Month proclamation doohickey, I think that Bob McDonnell has really hit on something. And I’d like to help, I hope with the help of my Dear Old Dad, who’s read more about the Civil War than I’ve ever read about everything.

I thought I would start with this commemoration of Confederacy Appreciation Month with a lovely quote from Southern historian Shelby Foote:

I think that the North fought that war with one hand behind its back…If there had been more Southern victories, and a lot more, the North simply would have brought that other hand out from behind its back. I don’t think the South ever had a chance to win that War.

That’s right, I’d like to start my commemoration of Bob McDonnell’s Republigoat Confederacy Appreciation Month by noting as blithely as I can that the Confederacy LOST. And it didn’t just lose. It got its ASS KICKED. HA HA. HA HA HA. Suck on that, you hillbilly crackers.

Yep. On April 9, 1865, Robert E. Lee SURRENDERED to Ulysses S. Grant at Appomattox. Lee was all like, “sorry, dude. I suck.” And Grant was all like “Yeah, dude. You do suck. And I’m so cool, BOOYAH!” And then Grant was all like, dude, you gotta wear a funny hat now and sit in the corner! And you gotta lick my taint! C’mon, Bobby! Lick it! Lick my taint! BOOYAH!

That is exactly what happened. And I am so glad that our wonderful governor here in Virginia has offered us the opportunity to commemorate historic events. We shall endeavor perhaps in future days to discuss a few other historic moments to help him celebrate Confederacy Appreciation Month as we go.