Why The Hell Would Anyone Want To Be A Democrat?

I am trying this fine day to figure out why in the wide wide world of sports any politician in these Untied States would want to be a Democrat.

If Anthony Weiner were a Republigoat, his party, his media, and his electorate would all be circling the wagons around him and his penis. They’d be excoriating his accusers and their partisan attacks. They’d be calling Anthony Weiner “heroic.” Fox “News” dunce Steve Doocy would be awkwardly complimenting in the Fox and Friends between-story patter. “Look at the size of that thing,” he’d say, “you know, they say it’s the girth, not the length, know what I mean, Gretchen?”

That’s what they do. They circle their wagons. They work tirelessly to re-truth and to re-blame. They hold fundraisers (as Rachel Maddow pointed out last night that they have done recently for David Witter, a married man who has paid numerous women to engage in sexual relations with him). And while we may despise their sleazy tactics, we might stand to learn a little from them.

Weiner’s own party is slamming elbows on his esophagus even as he’s back-down on the mat. As of this writing, eight congressional Democrats have called for his resignation. But it’s not just his party, it’s the press outlets that usually cheer for Weiner and his steadfast fight for progressive values: Ned Schultz is on his air every day this week with his hockey-dad-forehead-vein screaming that Weiner should resign, and many other members of the similar press are quickly following suit.

I’ve heard an odd comparison made between this and the Clinton business. Clinton wasn’t called on to resign, they keep saying, and he didn’t, look how that turned out, he was a pretty good president.

Except. That he was called on to resign. First among the calls came from his own party. From Moe Lie-berman.

This is what WE do. One of our own gets into trouble, even the Big Kahuna, and we roll down with our elbows and work to put that mofo’s shoulders to the ground.

Do you ever wonder why Republigoats are always able to get perfect party votes in our legislatures, and why for the Democrats it’s like herding cats?

If you’re a Republigoat, you know and you know damned well that if you screw up, if you fondle that little boy, if you take it out on the subway, if you’re caught with a million dollars in your freezer, you will have the full aparatus of the Republigoat Party, including cash, influence, legal protection, and media, at your back. They will rewrite history, they will buy judges, they will turn the world the other way on its axis like Superman to get you and your ugly-ass sedan out of that ditch. That’s incentive.

What the Anthony Weiner episode proves to Democrats in office and those looking to win elected office is that if you get into trouble, your party aparatus is set up more to jump in and help tightening the screws rather than to circle the wagons around you.

Why in hell would anyone run as a Democrat after this?

Bad Naked

First, for the record, yes, The Howard Stern Show was responsible for the gentleman screaming about “Arnold’s love child.” Ladies and gentlemen, the comedy stylings of Benjy Bronk. Mr. Bronk, your work has been recognized here at the imaginary think tank of Weiner Weiner Weiner and Weiner.

Second, in the “even Richard Gere got tired of Cindy Crawford after a while, but wha?” file: You might vaguely recall her. Huma Abedin. If you were an observer of the 2008 run for President of one Hillary R. Clinton, then you know who Huma Abedin is, even vaguely, at the back of your mind, if you think about it for a minute, you remember this sort of mysterious, beautiful, brown-eyed woman at the fringes of that campaign? Maybe?

Yeah. THAT Huma Abedin. That’s this clown’s wife. That’s who was in the bedroom waiting for this idiot while he was posing shirtless in his den for his own phone camera. That alone is enough to make you all like shut the front door Anthony Weiner!

But look. Here’s another thing. Men. Please listen.

As most of us have come to understand, there is an episode of “Seinfeld” that covers every situation in life. At work for
us here now is an excellent example of this. Visit the episode known as “The Apology.” From the wiki:

Jerry begins dating Melissa (Kathleen McClellan), a woman who is comfortable being naked in his apartment in nonsexual contexts. She walks naked into the kitchen to eat waffles and is also naked while playing board games. While George is envious, Jerry soon grows uncomfortable with Melissa’s quirk. He finds her unattractive when she does anything naked that involves her muscles contracting. Eventually, Jerry tries casual nudity himself, but Melissa does not support male nudity (“bad naked”). Elaine later explains that the female body is art while the male body is just utility.

Dear Anthony Weiner, dear Chris Lee, you can shave and primp and pump your pecs all you like, but gentlemen, please be advised that were humans peafowl, you would be the hens, not the cocks.

(You see what I did there?)

You stupid assholes are already national legislators. You already wear nice looking suits and get to vote on things and go to fund raisers and stuff. THAT IS YOUR PLUMMAGE you dumb asses. That is how you rock out with it out; you do it every day in your very jobs, and you do not need to take the pathetic path to do it with your stupid cell phone cameras. You are pea-hens, my friends, so put on your best drab feathers and play your roles. You have the best tools at hand that can be given to an American boy to chase tail, namely money, power, and really nice suits, and you resort to the MyFace and the Twatter?

Pa. The. Tic.


As I went through my ablutions this morning, I thought to myself, self, you should really include in your blog posting that there’s no way in hell any man flies to Argentina on a whim unless he’s following his penis.

But I didn’t. I mean, I mean, I all but said it. But I didn’t. Woulda shoulda coulda.

You know, I think it’s time for the Republigoats to codify their actual stance on extra-marital kertanging into their platform—preferably right after “Protecting Our Families” and “Preserving Our Values,”* as follows.

Fucking Around on Our Wives
It’s okay for Republicans to fuck around on their wives. It’s not okay for Democrats to fuck around on their wives. If a Democrat gets caught fucking around on his wife, Republicans are allowed to run him of office and to use the event to disparage and smear the Democratic Party ad infinitum.** If a Republican gets caught fucking around on his wife, he may resign a token post but remain in power, provided he appears at a press conference, preferably but not necessarily with said humiliated wife, and that he appear to be sorrowful about fucking around on his wife. He must also utilize at least one mention of the sweet blessed name of Jesus or several pithy Bible quotes. Once this deed is accomplished, the Republican receives the GOP Medal of Freedom and a certificate for three free lap dances*** Rob Roy cocktails at Camelot Show Bar.

Such a platform change would certainly be more honest and would make things much easier on our poor friends in the GOOP.

* Actual planks of the GOOP’s 2008 Republican Platform.
** Every Republigoat I have ever met still thinks that blue dress and/or cigar jokes are funny.
*** Taxation Without Representation: Lap dances are illegal in the District of Columbia.


But there is something to bear in mind regarding Sanford’s incredible press conference of the day: It was little more than a distraction.

Sanford did far worse to his state than he did to his beleaguered wife and family. He abandoned South Carolina. For an entire workweek. One of the arguments the Monigators made was that Bill Clinton’s affair might have caused him to be derelict in his duties. Sanford’s affair clear-cut made him derelict in his duties.

Shit, South Carolina’s Constitution doesn’t even set the threshhold at “high crimes and misdemeanors.”

SECTION 1. Power of impeachment; vote required; suspension of officer impeached.

The House of Representatives alone shall have the power of impeachment in cases of serious crimes or serious misconduct in office by officials elected on a statewide basis, state judges, and such other state officers as may be designated by law. The affirmative vote of two-thirds of all members elected shall be required for an impeachment. Any officer impeached shall thereby be suspended from office until judgment in the case shall have been pronounced, and the office shall be filled during the trial in such manner as may be provided by law. (1970 (56) 2680; 1971 (57) 48.)

Not showing up for work for a week is most certainly “serious misconduct.”

If you don’t believe it, try it yourself sometime.

I was going to write that, if they don’t impeach this guy, impeachment doesn’t mean anything anymore.

Then I remembered that, thanks to Nance Pelosi and friends, actually, it doesn’t.